G'Day to Die Read Online Free PDF Page A

deadliest snakes in the world, all ten are Australian?” said Dick Teig in a strained whisper.
    “And there’s a seashell here that can kill you if the creature inside chomps down on you?” said Grace Stolee.
    “And there’s a rock with thorny spikes that can pierce shoe leather and shoot you full of enough toxin to turn your innards to creme brulée?” added Dick Stolee.
    “It’s not a rock,” said Bernice. “It’s a fish that looks like a rock.”
    “Oh, yeah?” Dick sputtered. “Well, I think you look like a rock.”
    “And there’s a saltwater crocodile that can leap twenty feet out of the water and eat you in one ferocious bite,” fretted Lucille, though in her case, it might be two .
    “And there’s a big bird in the rain forest that can split you open with one swipe of its claw,” Osmond croaked. “It’s like a can opener with wings.”
    Since no one was waving around The Big Golden Book of Reptiles, Insects, and Marine Life that Can Kill You in Australia, I figured all this sudden knowledge had originated in one place.
    Nana regarded me anxiously. “Emily, dear, did you know there’s more things that can kill you in Australia than anywhere else on earth? That fella what looks like the crocodile hunter was nice enough to give us the scoop.”
    Note to self: Kill Jake Silverthorn .
    “Okay, gang,” I said in the most soothing voice I could muster. “I think you might be overreacting a teensy bit.”
    “Tell that to the girl who keeled over out there in the underbrush,” argued Dick Teig, his gaze riveted on the floor in an obvious search for killer insects with dinner plans.
    “None of us would have signed up for this trip if Emily had told us how dangerous this place was,” complained Bernice. “It’s all her fault. No one wants to be insect bait for the next two weeks. I say we go home. And we better get refunds!”
    “Show of hands for how many people want to go home,” asked Osmond.
    “EEE-YAH!” yelled Dick Teig, stomping his foot on the floor so hard, the windows rattled. “Die, you cussed bug.”
    Dick Stolee sidled up to him. “What’d you kill?”
    Dick lifted his sandal. “Dust bunny.”
    Dick Stolee nodded. “Looks like a poison one.”
    Section two, subparagraph three of my official Escort’s Manual states that the savvy tour escort “will do everything in her power to place her guests’ minds at ease so they can fully enjoy every moment of their tour experience.” Unfortunately, subparagraph three offered no suggestions about how to do that, so I was going to have to ad lib my butt off.
    “Listen to me, everyone: the only thing you’re in mortal danger of is missing the bus. We’re not walking on a beach, so you can’t be attacked by seashells. We’re not wading in the ocean, so you can’t be stung by rocks. We’re not visiting the Great Barrier Reef, so you can’t be devoured by crocodiles. We’re not exploring the rain forest, so you can’t be ripped open by birds.”
    Alice Tjarks shot her hand into the air. “Excuse me, Emily, but what’s left to see if you’re not taking us to visit any of the exciting touristy stuff?”
    “Yeah,” sniped Helen Teig. “We expect to get our money’s worth!”
    “We didn’t fly all the way over here to do everything on the cheap!” Dick Stolee protested.
    Gee, that worked well. “You will get your money’s worth. It’s a big country. There’s plenty left to see. But you won’t see any of it unless you get on the bus.”
    Foot shuffling. Sighs. Indecisive looks. “What about snakes?” Margi called out.
    “You only have to walk a short distance to the bus, and it’s on pavement, so just watch where you’re going. Australian snakes prefer to slither in the grass anyway.” At least, I hoped they did.
    “Does anyone have a weapon in case Emily is feeding us a line of bull?” asked Dick Stolee.
    “Tilly has one,” Bernice piped up. “Let her go in front. If she sees a snake, she can beat the crap