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don’t they ever keep an eye on those kids? but then he goes back to his romance novels and eating entire bags of home-bakedgranola, totally ruining his dinner.
    â€œLaura,” I say. “She wants to help.”
    â€œThe weight-loss coupons,” Hector says, a furrow between his eyes.
    I shake my head at him, trying to signal please stop talking ,but he says, “How are they helpful? I think they’d probably make someone feel bad about themselves.”
    â€œI don’t feel bad about myself,” I snap.
    â€œYou shouldn’t,” he says, surprised.
    â€œWell I don’t,” I say, and slap my calculus book shut with a bang that makes Laura jump and frown at me.
    Jolene says, “I think she doesn’t know any other way to help you with your future. It’s logical to her.”
    â€œI don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I say. I flip open the book on my lap again, hard.
    â€œHey, you could write about that for your essay,” Laura says. “Unique and powerful topic that reveals a facet of your personality, check. I bet ‘my grandmother is wildly bribing me to diet’ is not in your transcript.”
    â€œNo.” I can hear the anger in my voice and I flinch at it.
    Laura just looks at me. “But she’s trying to help,” she says mildly, and I hate it when she’s smug.
    â€œThat’s a pretty good idea,” Hector says.
    â€œHector—” I start, and I’m not sure what I’m about to say and I am guessing I’ll regret it but I can’t seem to stop and so I guess Ishould be grateful when a knee knocks into my temple.
    â€œGoddammit, Ace,” I say, grabbing at my forehead. “That hurt!”
    â€œSorry! Sorry!” he chirps, looking down at me. He’s climbed up on his chair, holding a piece of notebook paper over his head and away from Morgan. He is probably the only person in school who would need to stand on a chair to be taller than Morgan. Dr. Ellman turns to see what’s going on.
    Morgan has her field-hockey face on, the one that makes opponents terrified of her as she lunges after them. She is many things: current class president, having beaten me this year for the first time, the most popular girl in school by many metrics (though the Humanism Handbook rejects notions of social peer ranking). Morgan thinks gossip is the smallest unit of personal connection and “essential for the social lubrication of groups of every size,” which I know because she did a paper on the topic in the Communications and Linguistics class we had, but also because she just wants to know all the worst things about everyone.
    We don’t dislike each other. Not liking someone at all is very different from disliking someone. I did not like her long before she started dating Brandon. I did not like her from the day in second grade when she told me I would splash too hard and empty the pool if I tried to jump in. And then I pushed her in.
    I felt bad after, because that’s no way to deal with someone who sucks. But to this day, every time Morgan makes a snideremark I remember that moment and her big eyes as she fell backward and it is still satisfying.
    Jolene says Morgan is like a shark. She’s more scared of you than you are of her. Jolene watches a lot of Animal Planet . I say she’s exactly like a shark and every time I see her teeth I know something bad is going to happen. Jolene says I don’t understand sharks. I do understand Morgan, though.
    She is small and awful and right now she’s getting louder as Ace dances away from her.
    â€œHelp, Dr. Ellman,” Ace says. “She’s going to kill me.” He’s jumped off the chair and is backing away around the table with that notebook paper in his hand, and Morgan is stalking after him.
    â€œMorgan is going to have an aneurism!” I say. I can hear the delight in my voice.
    â€œThis is the best,”