Funny Boy Takes on the Chit-Chatting Cheeses from Chattanooga Read Online Free PDF Page A

cleared away, Bob Foster tuned his TV in to CNN. The cheesing of New Jersey was the top story, but CNN reported that the cheeses had gone into hiding.
    It was the same on ABC, CBS, NBC, TNT, HBO, PBS, and every other network with three initials. None of them had been able to locate the cheeses for an interview. Suddenly, the cheeses weren’t talking.
    When the news was over, Bob Foster flipped to the Food Channel for a few minutes before bedtime. They were in the middle of a cooking show with Chef Rick Cotta when suddenly the picture went blank. A moment passed, and then Mozzarella’s ugly “face” filled the screen.
    “Listen here, Earthlings! Now our true story can be told. You have angered us! No more Mr. Nice Cheese. Now we are going to make you pay.”
    Chef Cotta was now tied to a chair and covered with a giant glop of cheese.
    “B-but why are you so angry?” Chef Cotta asked through the cheese that was dripping down his face. “What have we done to you?”
    “You eat cheese!” Mozzarella thundered.
    “I beg your pardon?”
    “You eat cheese!” Mozzarella repeated. “And we are cheese!”

    “You mean you are angry because we eat your kind?” the chef asked, disbelieving.
    “He’s pretty smart, for a human,” snickered Fontina.
    “W-we never realized that cheese had feelings,” the chef admitted.
    “How do you think we feel when you grill us, fry us, grate us, melt us, and dribble us on tortilla chips to make nachos?” asked Mozzarella. “It’s disgusting!”
    “How would you like it if you came to our planet and found we ate human beings?” asked Fontina. “What if we ate grilled human sandwiches? What if we made macaroni-and-human dinners for our children? How would you feel if we spread humans on bagels, put you on crackers, and cooked you on pizzas? What if we munched on Human Doodles?”
    “B-b-but ... there are hundreds of different kinds of cheeses,” Chef Cotta asked. “There must be at least one that you will allow us to eat.”
    “There is only one kind of cheese that we despise ... American cheese! And now America and the planet Earth must die!”
    “B-b-but ... w-we had no idea.”
    “It is too late for apologies, Earthling! The cheesing of New Jersey was just a small demonstration of our power. If you do not give us what we want, we will unleash the full fury of our cheese arsenal and you will be extremely sorry you crossed us.”
    “What do you want? What are your demands?”
    “I’m not going to negotiate with a chef even if you do have your own TV show. Bring us ... the President of the United States of America!”
    Congratulations! It’s halftime. You have reached the exact middle point of this book. This would be a good time to stretch your legs, have a snack, use the bathroom, and so on. Enjoy the second half!

CHAPTER 9

    I’M GETTINC TIRED OF THINKING UP THESE DUMB CHAPTER TITLES. JUST KEEP READING AND LEAVE ME ALONE, OKAY?
    Five minutes after the alien cheeses demanded on national TV to speak to the President of the United States, the phone rang in Bob Foster’s kitchen. Bob Foster picked it up.
    “It’s President Purgallin!” Bob Foster whispered, handing me the phone excitedly.
    “Funny Boy, this is Myles Purgallin,” the President barked.
    “Yes, sir!” I blurted, snapping to attention.
    “I need you to meet me in Appleton, Wisconsin, first thing in the morning!”
    Wow! A national emergency takes place and the first person the President of the United States calls is me. What an honor. It was the most exciting moment of my life. My heart was pounding.
    “I’ve got school in the morning,” I told President Purgallin. “How about Saturday?”
    “Earth may be destroyed by Saturday!”
    This is great, I thought to myself! If Earth were destroyed by Saturday, I wouldn’t ever have to do homework again! I wouldn’t have to deal with teachers or books or pencils or report cards because we’d all be dead and ...
    “I’ll be right there,” I told