Funny Boy Meets the Dumbbell Dentist from Deimos (with Dangerous Dental Decay) Read Online Free PDF

doing here?” Bob Foster asked the musicians.
    “We were hired to play scary music,” said the violin player. “It enhances the drama of the story.”
    “Knock it off, will you?” I told him. “I’m scared enough as it is.”
    The musicians packed up their instruments and left. We advanced closer to the spaceship. On the ground next to it, we could see a complete replica of a dental office, but with no roof. There were four dental chairs.
    Suddenly, the spaceship door slid open with a whoosh , the way doors always do in science fiction movies but never in the real world. Why is that? I want a sliding door in my house that goes whoosh . Those doors are cool.
    Standing before us was . . . the dumbbell dentist from Deimos!
EXCITING, ISN’T IT? I MAY HAVE TO GO LIE DOWN TO REGAIN MY COMPOSURE.

CHAPTER 11

    THIS IS WHERE WE MEET THE INCREDIBLY DISGUSTING ALIEN. YOU MAY WANT TO HAVE A BUCKET OR SOMETHING NEARBY, IN CASE YOU NEED TO THROW UP.
    Oh, it was an evil-looking creature. Bob Foster, Punch, and I took a step backward, shocked by what we were seeing. The sight was so awful, so repulsive, so disgusting, that just describing it here would probably make me lose my lunch. I’m not sure I can do it.
    You insist?
    Well, okay.
    First of all, his body was a hulking mass of malodorous fat that spilled over the waistband of his sweatpants like a pot of oatmeal that had been left on the stove too long. His face was terrifying, with four eyes arranged in such a way as to allow him to see in all directions simultaneously. His nose was perfectly normal, except for the fact that it was on the top of his head. His mouth was like a mail slot, with rotted, blackened teeth. It looked like he could smoke four or five cigars simultaneously.
    What a hideous sight! This alien made Godzilla look like Brad Pitt. We were all trembling with fear and holding onto one another. But at least I didn’t throw up.

    “KNEEL BEFORE ME,” thundered the beast as it came down the ramp from the spaceship. “FOR I AM . . . DR. DENNY!”
    “Denny the dentist?” asked Bob Foster.
    “THAT IS CORRECT,” the monster said, speaking in all capital letters, as aliens tend to do.
    “That’s a pretty unusual name for an alien dentist,” I pointed out.
    “EARTH IS A PRETTY UNUSUAL NAME FOR A PLANET. WHO SENT YOU TO SEE ME?”
    “The President of the United States,” said Punch.
    “SO HE RECEIVED MY CARD, BUT WAS TOO COWARDLY TO COME FOR HIS APPOINTMENT. HE SENT YOU IN HIS PLACE.”
    “That’s right,” said Bob Foster. “Where did you come from?”
    “I COME FROM DEIMOS,” Denny said.
WARNING: SHIELD YOUR EYES OR LOOK AWAY! QUICKLY! IF YOU READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH, YOU WILL ACTUALLY LEARN SOMETHING.
    Deimos? I had a vague memory of Deimos, because my cousin went to a summer camp there one year. It’s a dark, reddish moon, the smaller of the two moons of Mars. It circles Mars every thirty hours.
    In Greek, the word Deimos means “panic.” That’s what we were starting to do. This alien looked mean. Bob Foster looked like he was going to pee in his pants. Punch looked like she was going to pee without her pants, because as you know, dogs don’t wear pants.
    “How is Deimos different from Earth?” asked Bob Foster, so he could distract the alien with small talk and maybe it would just leave quietly, as if it had shown up at a boring party and went home early.
    “THERE IS NO AIR ON DEIMOS,” Denny said. “AND NO WAFFLES.”
    “No waffles?” I asked. “How do you survive?”

    “WE EAT PANCAKES AND PRETEND THEY ARE WAFFLES.”
    “Well, I guess if you put enough syrup on them . . .” I said.
    “Who cares about that?” asked Punch. “Why did you come here?”
    “I COULD NOT FIND A DENTIST ON DEIMOS, AND I HAVE DANGEROUS DENTAL DECAY.”
    “Maybe if they had air and waffles, there would be more dentists,” I suggested. “Because if there are two things that dentists love, they’re air and waffles.”
    “Why don’t you just be