Fun House Read Online Free PDF Page B

“that since the enactment of the Federal Anabolic Steroid Control Act, steroids are placed in the Schedule III class of illegal drugs, along with barbiturates, veterinary tranquilizers, and narcotic painkillers?”
    “No,” says Mandrake, somewhat sarcastically, “I did not know this. Now can I go back to doing my job?”
    “By simply holding the illegal steroids …” Ceepak gestures toward the silent monitor because, I think, all the Fun House kids look pretty much the same to him (muscles, olive skin, too much hair gel).
    I help out. “Vinnie.”
    “… Vinnie is committing a federal offense, punishable by up to one year in prison and/or a minimum fine of one thousand dollars.”
    Mandrake grabs his walkie-talkie. “Rutger? Cut! Hold the roll!”
    The camera crews do as they’re told.
    “We’re cutting,” squawks out of the radios attached to Layla, Grace, and Mandrake. Even though they’re not spinning digital tape, the cameras are still feeding images to the monitors. The Fun House boys stop yelling at each other. The girls adjust their boobs inside their bikini tops. It’s kind of funny watching the cast when they think they’re not being filmed. It’s real reality. It’s also boring.
    “What if that ampule is empty?” asks Layla.
    “Come again?” This from Ceepak.
    “What if Vinnie is in possession of nothing more than an empty glass bottle with a Skeletor sticker glued to its front?”
    “Then, technically,” says Ceepak, “he is not in violation of the State and Federal Steroid Control Acts.”
    “Exactly,” says Mandrake. “You see why I rely on Miss Shapiro here? She’s not only got a hot bod, her brain ain’t half bad, either.”
    Layla blushes. Tugs down on that Lycra tank top. It still doesn’t cover her belly button.
    “Our intention with this subplot—” she says before Ceepak cuts her off.
    “Subplot?”
    “Sorry. TV talk. Sure, the show’s unscripted, but, well, we’re always looking for plot points. Conflict. Something to give each episode an arc and narrative drive.”
    “Ms. Shapiro,” says Ceepak, “the criminal distributor of these illegal drugs is a person of great interest to the Sea Haven Police Department.”
    “So let’s use the show to help you catch him!”
    “Ma’am, with all due respect, this is a matter for law enforcement professionals.”
    “So you don’t welcome the help of a concerned citizenry?” says Mandrake. “You need to be the Lone Ranger? Hunt the bad guy down all by yourself?”
    “I did not mean to imply—”
    Layla holds up a hand. “Hear me out, Officer Ceepak. Please?”
    Ceepak crosses his arms across his chest to signify that he’ll listen. For a minute, anyway.
    “We won’t run any of this footage from the steroid storyline, not even this confrontation between Paulie and Vinnie, until after you guys apprehend Skeletor.”
    “We have your word on that?”
    “Sure,” says Layla. “That’s the beauty of reality TV. We create our own timeline and continuity. We can cut out of the beer pong bit before the big Paulie–Vinnie blowup and recycle it back into the show later—after you have Skeletor behind bars and Paulie has redeemed himself on the steroid front. Maybe he goes up to Newark, talks to inner-city kids.…”
    “Audiences love redemption scenes,” says Mandrake. “Even the Schnauzer on Hot Dog , the one who bit the Poodle on its pom-pom, even the Schnauzer had a redemption scene. Licked a sick Beagle’s ear.”
    Ceepak sighs.
    “Here’s what we do,” says Layla. “We lean on Paulie. Have him make contact with his drug dealer.”
    “You’re assuming the illegal steroids are his?”
    “Hey, that stunt he pulled on the Skee-Ball machine? Come on. That’s classic roid rage. Surely you guys figured that one out already.”
    Ceepak has to nod because, to tell the truth, which he always does, we had.
    “Okay. We tell Paulie that the only way out of this jam is for him to set up a meet with his dealer.