Fun House Read Online Free PDF

prosecutor might be interested in discussing a deal wherein no charges are brought against him or Ms. Kemppainen.”
    “Great. Give me a minute. We need to wrap this sequence.”
    “Marty has an ambitious day planned,” Layla whispers. “Including a company move down to Morgan’s Surf and Turf for the etiquette competition later tonight.”
    Ceepak just nods. His wife, Rita, used to waitress at Morgan’s. Me? I’m wondering what the heck goes on in an etiquette contest.
    “Come on, Paulie,” Jenny Mortadella (the skanky one) shouts as she cozies up to The Thing in a very skimpy bikini that shows off the mermaids tattooed all over her boobs. “Beat this bitch. Bounce a ball up his ass.”
    “Um, we’ll, you know, clean that up in edit,” says Layla.
    “You win this competition, I’ll give you a pwize.” Jenny’s doing drunken baby talk now.
    “Oh, yeah? Like what?” says Paulie.
    “This.” She tugs up her bikini top and flashes “The Thing” her things. She’d probably wiggle them but I don’t think that kind of plastic shimmies.
    Now Ceepak’s closing his eyes, and, if I’m not mistaken, uttering a silent prayer.
    “We’ll, you know, pixellate over those, block them out,” Layla explains.
    The middle monitor shows a horrified reaction shot of Soozy K’s face when Jenny flashes her tattooed nay-nays. The mermaids look like they are harvesting pistachios for the winter.
    “I thought you had an alliance with Mikey?” Paulie says to Jenny. Yep, there are a lot of “ee” names in the house.
    “Not after he fell on his ass playing Skee-Ball because he was so drunk—”
    “I wasn’t drunk, bitch—”
    In my head, I start adding in the bleeps.
    “Yes, you BLEEPING were.”
    “So?” says Mike. “You’re a BLEEPING cow! Flashing your BLEEPING BLEEPIES. What kind of pig does that? A cow, that’s who.”
    “You want to hook up later?” Jenny says to Paulie.
    Paulie shrugs. “Whatever.” He bops a ping-pong ball off the picnic table and into the beer cup Soozy’s holding in her hand.
    “What the BLEEP!” shouts Soozy when beer sloshes up and splatters all over her chest.
    “Maybe you better take off your top too,” jokes Paulie. “Hang it up to dry!”
    Now the guy named Vinnie, another bodybuilder type who spikes his hair up into a waxy Mohawk, comes stomping out of the house.
    “Yo, Paulie? What the BLEEP? I found this BLEEP under your bed.” Vinnie has something in his hand. We can’t tell what it is.
    “Get me a close-up!” Marty Mandrake shouts into his radio.
    Two of the cameras rush in to see what Vinnie found.
    “This is huge!” says Mandrake. “I’m working your drug investigation into my storyline!”
    “What the BLEEP,” says Jenny Mortadella. “That BLEEP will shrivel your BLEEP, you stupid BLEEP.”
    In the close-up on monitor three, we see what Vinnie found in Paulie’s room.
    Another little glass vial with a cartoon label.
    More Skeletor steroids.

5
     
    “Y OU ’ RE PUTTING ILLEGAL DRUGS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION ?” says Ceepak.
    “Maybe,” says Mandrake. “This is a reality show. We shoot a ton of footage. But we don’t know what we’ll actually air till we get in the edit suite and start hacking away at it.”
    Dialogue seeps out of the live monitors.
    “That’s not my shit,” from Paulie.
    “I found it under your fucking bed,” from Vinnie.
    “That’s how you fucking beat Tone?” from Mike. “Dope?”
    Anthony “Tone” DePalma was the first guy kicked out of the house back in July. He lost to Paulie in the Beach Badminton Beer Blast (they played with racquets and wadded-up aluminum beer cans instead of the more traditional shuttlecock).
    “Your balls are going to fall off,” from Jenny Mortadella.
    Ceepak leans forward and snaps off the audio.
    “Hey!” protests Mandrake, who was gobbling up the garbage faster than a rat in a Mickey D’s dumpster after they clean out the Big Mac bin.
    “You realize,” Ceepak says to Mandrake,