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keep my boyfriend. Again, grown-up me is shaking my head in disappointment and embarrassment, but these are things you learn as you gain life experiences. Austin kneaded at my breasts, nipped at my nipples, and shoved not one but two fingers inside me this time. I kept thinking that this was supposed to be a little more romantic and loving but since it was my first time I figured maybe it would get better. Austin laid me down on the couch and then dug around in his pants pockets for a condom to put on. I do have to commend him on that decision because I would have never spoken up and asked him to put one on. He positioned himself between my legs. I knew it would hurt and it did. I kept thinking that the pain would subside, but it didn’t. I wanted to like this, I really did, but it was just terrible. It hurt, it was awkward, and I felt like I was doing something wrong since Austin was so obviously enjoying it. Well, I mean, I think he was enjoying it if his grunts, groans, sweating, and his repeated, “Oh, baby” were any indication. I laid there until he was finished and every single thought that ran through my mind centered around, “What. The. Fuck. Was. That?!”
    Austin was all about sex after that. He was constantly trying to find places where we could be alone. The sex didn’t hurt so much anymore but it certainly wasn’t the way I had thought it would be. He’d kiss me, squeeze my boobs, stick a finger inside me, and then strip my pants off. He never even undressed me or himself; his pants were usually just down far enough to get himself out. Luckily, the condom always had a little lubrication, because I was never ready for him. That fact never seemed to affect Austin. He’d just root his way in, grunt and groan for a couple minutes, then collapse on top of me. I don’t think he ever realized that sex sucked for me. Seriously, I was just a large scale hand-job for him. And, stupid me, thought this was acceptable! Audrey was quick to let me know that I must have been doing something wrong if it wasn’t good for me.  Of course, it was my fault that the sex sucked.  It couldn’t have had anything to do with the fact that we were inexperienced high school kids who had no actual emotion between us.
    One day, I was supposed to meet Austin at his house after school. His parents were never home so I walked on in and headed to his room. I heard some knocking noises and then voices. When I got to his room, the door was cracked. Audrey was on top of Austin, her back to his face, riding him in a way that they both seemed to greatly enjoy. Austin didn’t see me, he was obviously too busy, but Audrey looked right at me and smiled an evil grin. As Austin shuddered and came, Audrey just smugly said, “ Ooops, I guess you weren’t doing it well enough, Beth. I told you that you were going to lose your man!”
    At first, I didn’t know who I was angrier with, Audrey, Austin, or myself. I decided to let myself off the hook, I had been played by both of them. So, while I was sad that I’d given something to Austin that he didn’t deserve, I wasn’t mad at myself for falling for it. I was mad at Austin, but he’d also just been a pawn in Audrey’s game. I was hurt and irritated that he played Audrey’s game for the whole time we dated. Oh, yeah, Audrey relished telling me that part. “Oh, Beth, you can’t think that Austin stayed with you that long without getting a little something on the side, can you? I’d been fucking him the whole time you dated! In fact, the only way I would keep fucking him was if he played my little game. Don’t feel bad, you never would have kept him interested when he had me to turn to. Don’t you get it? I control everyone around me. I made sure you walked in on us that day! The look on your face was priceless!”
    So, yeah, after being totally played by my sister and one of her many boy-toys, I swore off dating for a while. I did go out a few times in college, but I was always very