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would! Who bloody well wouldn’t want to go on a fake-cation? But as it is, I am probably going to get four cats instead and be a mad cat lady and I am never going to see the end of my five year plan – and right at this very moment, I am not entirely sure that Connor is the person for me or whether I ever want to get married and would actually prefer to live out my days like Doris and have as many cats as I can fit in my house.’ I’d said that out loud. More kind of shouted it. Mum and Dad both looked concerned about my enthusiasm for a fake-cation and the four cats. I hoped she wasn’t going to say ‘It’s okay if you don’t like men in that way.’ Like she used to before I met Connor.
    ‘You break my heart, Fiona.’ She had put her knife and fork down and was now wringing her hands.
    ‘Oh, leave her be, Maureen and eat your dinner,’ said Dad.
    I felt my eyes filling up a little bit.
    ‘I tell you what, love,’ said Dad, noticing something was up, ‘if you really want to go on a fake-cation, why don’t you and Connor come to the caravan with me and your mum next weekend. I’ll paint a sign saying ‘Skegness One Mile’ and then it would be like a fake-cation because really we would be in Weston-super-Mare.’
    I laughed and said I’d think about it.
    Later on, Dad dropped me back at home at the flat and a fluffy black cat peeked at me from behind a bush and slowly made his way over.
    ‘So, what’s your story then?’ I asked him as I stroked behind his ears. ‘And is it good luck or bad you are bringing me?’ I can never remember. He was quite sweet with lovely big eyes. His fluff was deceptive though. I noticed as I stroked him, underneath he was really boney. I explained very clearly to him that if I fed him, it was in no way to become a regular thing as I was definitely not a cat person. At all.
    I went back inside and grabbed a tin of tuna, emptied it into a bowl and presented it to him on the steps. He must have been starving as he ate it in a minute flat and had licked it almost clean.
    I stayed up until about eleven and then went to bed, trying to sleep on the still slightly damp sheets where the washing had been earlier. My head was spinning with the weekend’s events. It hadn’t occurred to me before that I could abandon my plans of saving up, of being with Connor, of us moving in together – it was all so fixed in my head. When Steph and Sinead suggested I didn’t have to follow it, it seemed nothing less than crazy. I’d been working towards it for so long, that I felt afraid to do anything else. Maybe I’d wait until September and see if things would change, it was only another week or so and I could decide what to do about everything then.

Chapter Four
    The next day I’d had five missed calls from Connor but I’d decided I wasn’t going to call him back for at least two days, or maybe not at all, and I certainly wasn’t going to contribute to our savings this month. So on Monday morning, to avoid having to stand on a boiling hot bus with my face in someone’s sticky armpit, I treated myself to the train into Moor Street. I could also nip into Selfridges before work and buy a beautiful cat-free mug / vintage style teacup so I could at least halt my descent into mad cat lady. I found a beautiful one in Cath Kidston after spending too much time looking at too many bags and purses, which left me exactly four minutes to run the length of New Street.
    I muttered an apology to Doris for being seven minutes late.
    ‘That’s fine,’ said Doris. She barely looked up. Very strange. I was expecting a five minute lecture at least. But no, not even a ‘In my day if we were late, they tarred and feathered us and marched us up and down Corporation Street until we were dead’. I unwrapped my mug and presented it on the desk in front of Ayesha for her to admire.
    ‘Good weekend, Ayesha?’ I asked, wanting her to notice my mug.
    Doris made a snorting noise.
    Ayesha very quietly said