Finding Audrey Read Online Free PDF

quite a small group. Tiny, you might call it, compared to, say, the world’s population. Or even the number of people on an average bus.
    I can eat supper with my family. I can go to see Dr Sarah in my safe little bubble of car–waiting room–Dr Sarah’s room–car–home. All the people in my therapy groups at St John’s – they’re comfort people too. Because they’re not a threat. (OK, OK, I
know
people aren’t really a threat. But try telling my stupid brain that.)
    It’s everyone else who is the problem. People on the street, people at the front door, people on the phone. You have no idea how many people there are in the world until you start getting freaked out by them. Dr Sarah says I may never be comfortable in massive crowds, and that’s OK, but I have to ‘dial down’ the thoughts that are telling me to panic. When she’s telling me this, it seems totally reasonable, and I think,
Yes! I can do that! Easy.
But then a postman comes to the door and I run before I can even stop myself.
    Thing is, I was never exactly
out there
, even when I was OK. In a bunch of girls, I was the one standing alone, hiding behind her hair. I was the one trying to join in chat about bras, even though – hello, a bra? That would surely require a female shape. I was the one paranoid that everyone must be looking at me, thinking how uncool I was.
    At the same time, I was the one who got shown off to all the visitors: ‘Our straight-A student, Audrey.’ ‘Our netball star, Audrey.’
    Top tip to all teachers reading this (i.e. none, probably): try
not
showing off the girl who cringes when anyone even looks at her. Because it’s not that helpful. Also, it’s not that helpful to say in the whole class’s earshot: ‘She’s the great hope of this year group, so talented.’
    Who wants to be the great hope? Who wants to be ‘so talented’? Who wants the entire rest of year to slide their eyes round like daggers?
    I mean, I don’t blame those teachers. I’m just saying.
    So then. All the bad stuff happened. And I kind of slid off a cliff. And here I am. Stuck in my own stupid brain.
    Dad says it’s totally understandable and I’ve been through a trauma and now I’m like a small baby that panics as soon as it’s handed to someone it doesn’t know. I’ve seen those babies, and they go from happy and gurgling to howling in a heartbeat. Well, I don’t howl. Not quite.
    But I feel like howling.

You still want to know, don’t you? You’re still curious. I mean, I don’t blame you.
    Here’s the thing: does it matter exactly what happened and why those girls were excluded? It’s irrelevant. It happened. Done. Over. I’d rather not go into it.
    We don’t have to reveal everything to each other. That’s another thing I’ve learned in therapy: it’s OK to be private. It’s OK to say no. It’s OK to say, ‘I’m not going to share that.’ So, if you don’t mind, let’s just leave it there.
    I mean, I appreciate your interest and concern, I really do. But you don’t need to pollute your brain with that stuff. Go and, like, listen to a nice song instead.

 
    MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY – FILM TRANSCRIPT
    INT. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY
    The camera pans around the hall and focuses on the hall tiles.
    AUDREY (VOICE-OVER)
    So, these are old Victorian tiles or whatever. My mum found them in a skip and made us lug them all home. It took FOR EVER. We had a perfectly good floor but she was all, like, ‘These are history!’ I mean, someone threw them out. Does she not realize that?
    MUM
    Frank!
    Mum comes striding into the hall.
    MUM
    FRANK!
    (to Audrey) Where is your brother? Oh. You’re filming.
    She flicks back her hair and pulls in her stomach.
    MUM
    Well done, darling!
    FRANK ambles into the hall.
    MUM
    Frank! I found these on Felix’s playhouse.
    She brandishes a bunch of sweet wrappers at him.
    MUM
    First of all, I don’t want you sitting on top of the playhouse – the roof is unstable and it’s a bad example