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has a hot sister. He gets totally into the sister, they talk on the phone till all hours, sext, she writes songs for him, and they fall in love. He finally goes to meet her and finds out she’s really some troubled, homely old housewife with severely handicapped twin stepsons. That was the movie. The TV show features a million more freaks like that and worse.”
    â€œSo you’d ignore this because it MIGHT be bogus?” I asked. “What if it’s not?”
    â€œI’m just sayin’… you could end up on
48 Hours
, with your tragic story of being led on a wild goose chase straight to the door of a whack job sadist rapist killer.”
    â€œWell, then, a totally gorgeous, brilliant, creative sadist rapist killer. I’ll take my chances.” I grabbed my camera, went to my corner of our cubicle, and fished out my earbuds. I plugged the cord in and put them on so the tape would be for my ears only. I watched it over and over, looking for clues.
    On the first and second viewing, I noticed his eyes. Deep blue. Deep. And blue. His adorable crooked nose. Crap, he was way handsome. Like totally
out of my league
hot. On the third play, I noticed the dog with him. And the dog had a very distinct spotted tongue. If that was his dog, it sealed the deal. The five of us would live happily ever after, Boo and Toupee frolicking in our large yard with their polka-dot-tongued step-sib. The fourth time I watched, I noticed my future husband’s sexy smile. On the fifth, sixth, and seventh time, I still didn’t spot any clues, but I did notice his perfect muscles—strong yet not overdone, and his stylin’ wardrobe choices (come on,
muy importante
! What if he was wearing, like, Jesus sandals, or high-waisted pants? What if he sported a mameltoe?) On the eighth viewing, Coco unplugged my earbuds as she finally leaned over to watch. I knew full well if I kept playing the tape in front of her, she would ultimately break down. I wanted to tell her how damn predictable she was, but I was so relieved to have another set of eyes that I kept my mouth shut.
    â€œWait, pause it there,” Coco said. “Look at his feet.”
    â€œWell, you can’t really see them except for one cute blue sock.”
    â€œNo, by his left foot. Well, his right foot, on our left.”
    â€œLooks like either a really round lemon or a tennis ball. So?”
    â€œSo, look at some other things there. The trash can with the plastic lining, the green bench…”
    â€œYeah, and there are dogs barking,” I added. “A DOG PARK! IT’S A FREAKIN’ DOG PARK! Right?”
    Coco and I shrieked like, I’m sure, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson never did when cracking a case. We were high-fiving when Malcolm burst in.
    â€œWhat’s going on in here?”
    I had to act fast while Coco hid the camera.
    â€œCoco was excited over the treat I brought in for you. Over there.” I gestured broadly to the Starbucks bag on my desk like an amateur magician misdirecting the audience while he’s palming the dove he’s about to change the playing card into. “Coco loves these, so she got a little carried away.”
    I handed the impaled pink birthday cake waxy ball to Malcolm. He grabbed it and sniped, “Are you both done with the graphics for the Renegade Registry?”
    â€œNot quite yet,” Coco answered.
    â€œYou’re two days late.” He walked up way too close to Coco’s face. “I was going to send you to Big Sur next week for a ‘Treehouse Wedding’ story, but since you seem to disregard the importance of deadlines, I’m sending Maya instead.”
    â€œWHOO HOO!” we heard from Maya’s cubicle.
    â€œRight,” Coco said. “Like I even believe you were ever gonna send me.”
    â€œAnd what about me?” I asked Malcolm. “I suppose once again I wasn’t even in the running? Just send me anywhere.