Fifty Shades of Thrifty (a Parody) Read Online Free PDF Page B

to. I would have
even taken you out if we'd hit it off because Rox said you're such a great
person. They weren't going to tell you it was a set up if things went well,
but..."
    "So,
Vincent," said Serena, who then took out a legal pad and put it on the
table. She clicked her pen in the air. "If you wouldn't mind giving us
your first impressions for the record."
    He looked at me,
his eyes seemingly asking for permission. "What the hell, go ahead,"
I said.
    "Would be
nice if she remembered my name ten seconds after I told her," said
Vincent, who turned to face Serena. "And asking me if I'm married?
Seriously? I would have beat my feet right after that one." He turned back
to me. "Listen Belinda, no offense, but Rox said you guys needed a man's
point of view on your, you know, dateability."
    I shrugged and
looked down. "I'm not offended. I appreciate your input. Keep going. Fire
away, I'm a big girl."
    "You
sure?"
    "Hey, I take
on politicians all the time. I'm not afraid of anything. Don't hold back."
    "Ohhhh-kaaaay,"
he said, then exhaled and paused a moment. "Well, here goes. You're not
approachable."
    Ouch.
    "People come
up to me all the time."
    "Because
you're a celebrity," said Ariel.
    "I meant
you're not approachable as a potential date," said Vincent.
    "Fine,"
I said, looking at Vincent, eyes narrowing into Brass Cupcake mode. "Tell
me why I'm unapproachable."
    Vincent leaned
forward on his forearms. Usually they lean back when the death stare makes
its first appearance. Interesting. "Well,
first I call you a girl and you correct me, so I think you're some militant
feminist, which I and most men hate. Then the marriage question, which is
beyond weird. Along with your somewhat bizarre conversational skills, it's the
overall look. The hair in a tight bun. You're sitting there on your hands, all
hunched up. And the outfit."
    My face
tightened. "What's wrong with the outfit?"
    "Rox said
you're hot and you look like a librarian. The bulky sweater, baggy pants, thick
glasses. Those shoes look like you're going hiking. You look like you want to
be anywhere but here. There's probably a serious babe under all that but I
can't be sure."
    He reached across
the table toward me but I pulled back and put up a hand. "Whoa!"
    "Relax,
would you?" he said. Serena grabbed my hand and pulled it down.
    He reached toward
my face and gently removed my glasses. "Wow," he said.
    "What?"
I asked, as my view of Vincent morphed into a Monet painting.
    "You've got
spectacular eyes. I mean, they're like emeralds, such a vivid green. You could
do eye makeup commercials."
    "If she
actually wore makeup outside the studio," said Roxanne, as I snatched my
glasses back from him and put them on.
    "Look,
Belinda. Roxanne tells me you're a beautiful girl with a big heart, but as a
man looking for a date I would have no idea if any of that's true. If you
weren't famous I doubt if any man would come up to you, and if anyone did he
wouldn't stay long."
    I bit my lower
lip and felt my eyes well up a bit. No! This isn't happening! A man cannot
make the Brass Cupcake cry! "I'd like
you to leave now," I said softly.
    "Hey, I'm
sorry, that was a bit harsh, but you told me not to hold back—"
    "Just!
Go!"
    He put up his
hands in surrender. Vincent got up, kissed Roxanne on the side of the head.
"Thanks, cuz," she said, patting him on the shoulder. He shot me an
apologetic look with sad eyes but I turned away. He headed for the door.
    "So," I
said, when he was out of earshot. "Whose brilliant idea was that?"
    "Mea
culpa," said Serena, putting her wrists out as if she were waiting to be
handcuffed. "I plead no contest."
    "And the
rest of you were okay with it?"
    "We thought
it was a great idea," said Ariel.
    "A great
idea? Having some guy insult me like that?"
    "We already
know you need help," said Serena. "But we really needed a man's
opinion. Rox said she knew her cousin would help out, and you two might
actually hit it off."
    "Vincent was
just doin' what I asked,"