Family - The Ties That Bind...And Gag! Read Online Free PDF

fell on deaf ears. His commandments on misuse lay like broken stone tablets amidst the wet towels and melting soap. For more than thirty years, he valiantly fought apathy—alone and unheeded. His gospel of utilities never got the respect he had hoped for.
    THOU SHALT FLUSH. ESPECIALLY IF THOU IS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD AND HAS THE USE OF BOTH ARMS.
    THOU SHALT HANG UP THE PHONE WHEN THOU HAS BEEN ON IT LONG ENOUGH FOR THE RATES TO CHANGE.
    THOU SHALT NOT STAND IN FRONT OF THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO DANCE.
    THOU SHALT NOT COVET THE REST OF THE FAMILY'S HOT WATER.
    THOU SHALT HONOR THY FATHER'S AND MOTHER'S THERMOSTAT AND KEEP IT ON NORMAL.
    THOU SHALT REMEMBER LAST MONTH'S ELECTRICITY BILL AND REJOICE IN DARKNESS.
    There were other commandments, but these were the ones written in stone.
    He began teaching them when the children were old enough to respond to the word “no.”
    The phone company didn't make it easy. In the ads they made it look like such a pleasurable experience to talk on the phone. Grandma and Granddad were both poised over the receiver listening to their grandchild burp. Or an entire band jammed in a phone booth to call the tuba player who had to stay at home with his lip in a cast. Sometimes they showed you college friends calling coast to coast with tears in their eyes to describe a western sunset.
    Maybe it used to be that way. But that was before Grandma and Granddad realized the burp cost them $9.12. It was before the band cashed in their airline tickets to make the call. Before friends realized it was cheaper to take a bus to see the sunset than to talk about it.
    Our phone bill prompted my husband to put together the first of a set of rules for placing long-distance calls in the future.
    Before placing the call, go to the bathroom. Blow your nose and get a drink of water. Read the weather report of the town you are calling to eliminate, “What's the weather like?”
    Figure out the time zone to conserve conversation on “What time is it there?”
    Don't play games like, "Guess who this is?
    " Fight with your brother BEFORE dialing.
    Laughter costs dollars. Save it until you're off the phone.
    Don't repeat. If someone says, “I love you,” there is no need to say, “I love you too.” A simple “ditto” will suffice.
    Animals and babies are a waste of time on the phone. They never bark/laugh/talk/sing anyway until they hear the party hang up, so write letters.
    If you really wanted to see old dad lose it, you should have seen him walk into the kitchen and discover three kids with both doors of the refrigerator flung open while the hairs in their noses froze up. He had a rule for that too. He came up with an idea he used on our safe-deposit box. Every time he'd take out a document for our taxes, he would record it on a little sheet of paper. When he returned an insurance policy or our passports, he would write it down. In one glance, he knew what was in and what was out of the safe-deposit box.
    He figured it should work with the refrigerator, so he posted the contents on the refrigerator door and asked the family to mark any withdrawals or additions on the sheet. A cabbage roll had seven ins and outs, signifying no one knew what it was until he bit into it. Some smart aleck withdrew thirty-five cherries and two peaches and returned thirty-five cherry seeds and two peach pits for inventory. A box of baking soda was withdrawn and returned with a note that said, “Needs work.”
    Probably the most pathetic entry listed under withdrawals was ice cubes with a note that said, “Would have returned same, but don't know how to make them.”
    He tried so hard. I used to watch him as he lined the children in front of the door and said, “Today we're going to learn how to speak thermostat. When your room is cold, what do you do?”
    One of the boys came forward and hiked the thermostat up to 80.
    “You have the idea, but you need a little fine tuning,” said his father. “Now, when your