Every Day is Like Doomsday Read Online Free PDF Page B

“I’m
going to tell you this once so make sure you listen. Stay
away from my daughter, you Villainous scum, or I will
kill you.”
And then he hung up. Elliot dropped the phone
and stared blankly ahead. How had he known already,
he thought? Then he realized, the TV! He ran to it and
turned it on, flipping it from the cartoon channel to a
morning newscast. And he saw his own face staring back
at him. It was his senior portrait and beneath the picture
were the words, “Elliot Vane-Suspected Villain.”
He felt numb, deflated and slightly nauseous. He
didn’t hear what the newscasters were saying and soon
his image on the screen was replaced by a weather map
of Iowa. The skies were clear. It was cold. Who cares? My
life is over, thought Elliot.
In a daze he pulled out some fresh clothes and
his toiletries and went into the bathroom. He glanced
at himself in the mirror to see that the goose egg above
his right eyebrow was a lovely shade of purple, his curly
hair looked like a funky, lopsided afro and he thought
that maybe if he needed to shave he might look kind of
badass. As it was his chin was covered in peach fuzz and
so he only looked pathetic.
He took a shower in the blessedly private bathroom.
He had been concerned about the possibility of having to
shower with the Villains and was very grateful that that
would not be the case. He suspected it had to do with the
danger of having a roomful of naked, wet Villains. Some
might use the situation to their advantage and wreak some
havoc because, hey, at least it’s a room with a drain.
He then spent the rest of his shower imagining all
the different ways that his classmates could possibly kill
him. This had a twofold effect of causing him to shower
quickly so as not to be caught vulnerable and also of taking him to the verge of fainting again as he got dressed.

3
New Meat
    The sun had just risen in the east and the street
lights went out as the day brightened. Elliot tried to think
positively. He told himself that it wouldn’t do any good to
get upset or depressed at this point and resolved to hang
in there and see where the day took him.
    He started out from the dorms expecting to find
a map so that he could find the Evil Science classroom,
which was the first class listed on his schedule.There were
very few students about so early and none of them so
much as glanced in Elliot’s direction. He held his breath
every time he passed someone and let it out when they
paid him no mind, grateful for that small mercy because
he hadn’t yet figured out how a Villain was supposed to
act around his own kind.
    Elliot found the kiosk where he assumed the map
was supposed to be but someone had ripped out the map
and spray-painted a big, red unhappy face in its place.
That meant he had to ask for directions. He really, really
didn’t want to ask anyone for directions.
    He stood in the shadow of the kiosk for a minute
and tried to look nonchalant as he waited for someone
to pass by. The first person to walk by was a kid twice his
size, his bulk covered by a tan trench coat. Elliot started,
“Can you help me a minute, I…”
    And the kid kept walking. The next kid gave Elliot
a look that made him wilt like a delicate flower under
the first winter frost. A flower, he chastised his internal
monologue, seriously? Suck it up, Elliot, are you a Norm
or are you a Villain? He tried to think more like a badass
but two more people passed by without helping. One of
them actually took the time to shove him into the kiosk,
cracking the yellowed plastic that was supposed to have
kept the map from being stolen in the first place.
    After that Elliot just started walking. He didn’t
know where he was going, save that it was away from
the place where he felt like his manhood had just been
stolen from him. He would have thought that after all
this time he’d be used to getting pushed into lockers and
walls and trashcans. But on his first day at a new