men’s hearts since ancient times: zero.
This is just a new bridge humankind must now cross
, Jack told himself. In his mind, the semi-circular bridge in the ink painting quietly crumbled.
Chapter 1: Missing
1
November 5, 2012
Saeko Kuriyama awoke with a start, her heart thumping wildly. Almost as if her heart had taken over her entire body, its pounding emanated outwards, causing her breasts to twitch with its surging pulsations. Today, yet again, Saeko was unable to get up for several moments after awakening.
When she opened her eyes, the shapes around her were still dark. She remained motionless at first, trying to catch her breath before she reached for the clock on her bedside table. It read 9:11 a.m. She had overslept by quite a bit. As the details of her room began to come into focus, the darkness she had perceived initially began to fade.
For a full twenty minutes, Saeko remained under the covers and waited for her pulse to stop racing, ignoring both her need to urinate and the dryness in her throat. The refrigerator was only several meters away, but it seemed much farther. The thought of cold mineral water was appealing, but Saeko couldn’t yet bring herself to move.
Life had become so painful, it was unbearable. Lately, Saeko felt the same way each morning. Especially as the seasons shifted from autumn into winter, the wretchedness of living alone grew ever greater, almost tearing her to pieces. Her pent-up misery thrashed about wildly in her searching for an outlet.
Go ahead. Hurt me. Take my life, please
.
Death seduced her. She lacked the courage to commit suicide, but if the natural flow of things were to lead her to death, Saeko wouldn’t resist at this point. She felt no attachment to life. Her reasons were indistinct, but they weren’t impossible to pinpoint.
The divorce she had gone through six months ago had done more damage to her, emotionally and physically, than she had ever anticipated. The idea that she was unfit for marriage deeply marred her confidence, intensifying her isolation. It convinced her that she was missing something other people had.
“There’s something deeply off about you. You’re like a transform fault.A human Fossa Magna,” her husband had said once in a fit of exasperation.
“The Fossa Magna is a great rift valley, not a transform fault,” Saeko had corrected him coolly.
“That’s exactly what I mean.”
He’d made similar remarks a number of times, though not exactly framed in those terms.
“You’re bizarre. You’re not normal.”
After being told the same thing enough times, Saeko had begun to suppose he might be right.
“Why do you always have to compare people? It’s driving me crazy!”
That was the only accusation that had really struck Saeko to the core; he had managed to hit the nail right on the head. When Saeko and her husband had lived together, Saeko had compared him to her father at every turn. Whenever she observed her husband failing at something her father could have easily done, Saeko deducted points from an imaginary scorecard.
No man on earth could live up to my father
.
Even now, it was still true as far as Saeko was concerned. The pain of divorcing her husband of five years was nothing compared to the overwhelming loss she’d experienced when her father had gone missing. The amount of tears she shed now was paltry in comparison. Eighteen years ago, Saeko’s father had vanished suddenly without any explanation. He had been Saeko’s guardian and her only living relative. To this day, she hadn’t the faintest clue what had become of him or whether he was alive or dead.
Saeko’s mother had died thirty-five years ago during Saeko’s birth. From what she understood, there had been some sort of medical mishap, but Saeko’s father said little about the incident.
My loneliness began at birth
.
Viewed in that light, it all added up. Saeko had come into the world just as her mother had left it, and her father had showered her
Barbara Corcoran, Bruce Littlefield