Ecstasy Read Online Free PDF Page B

she does, and she’s unimpressed. Apparently there are debt collectors who can do this. I have no idea how, but I’m clearly not one of them.
    “Sure. I understand,” she says, like she does, but not in a good way. “What are you really here for, Joe? Picking out your favorite companion for the night?” She dismisses me with a wave. “Keep looking. That offer expired when you ran out of my apartment and didn’t even say goodbye to Tilly.”
    “Elena, I’m not… I swear I didn’t know you would be here.” My explanations are lost on her. “If I did—”
    “If you did, then what?”
    I don’t know what I would have done if I’d known. Avoided her? Come anyway and tried to explain? No, I would have kept far away from the live-wire temptation that she and her sister are to me.
    My silence speaks for me. She shakes her head in disgust and turns away, quietly settling back into her chair next to Tilly’s bed. I want to say something. I want to tell her I’m not a bad person, that I really do care about her and her sister and all the dying children in this room. That if it wouldn’t burn me up in a fire of ecstasy I would give Tilly everything I could. That I’m tempted to do it anyway, but I can’t. I can’t save her. I would only die trying.
    But the look of contempt in Elena’s eyes tells me it’s useless. Nothing I say will make any difference. And the part about me being a good person is a lie anyway.
    I clench my fists and turn away from her.
    Between my eyes blurring and the dim light, I can barely see. I don’t care. I march blindly down the center of the rows of beds. All I know is I need to get away. Far away.
    I sense Grace at my side, catching up. “Lirium,” she says in a hushed voice.
    We’re almost at the end of the row of beds, and I’m suddenly lost. I have no idea which way to turn.
    “Lirium, wait.”
    Her hand is on my arm, and I let her pull me to a stop. I keep my back to Elena and my head ducked away from Grace.
    “This way,” she says, tugging me into the murky back of the room. She finds a door. Amber light fills the stairwell. I stumble in, squinting. I pull from her and turn away, wiping my face with the back of my hand.
    Her hand is on my shoulder. “I know it’s difficult,” she says softly. “Some collectors have a hard time with the mercy hits at first. Some days I can barely walk through that room without crying.” She scoots around to face me, putting a hand on my cheek. She looks up into my eyes. “Oh, Lirium. It’s okay.”
    She wraps her arms around my neck, sinking my face into the long brown hair draped on her shoulder. She’s holding me, comforting me. I rub my face in her hair and breathe her in. I pull back and crash my lips to hers, finding the only kind of comfort I know how to take. The kind that won’t kill me or leave me worse off than before. She responds, her tongue slipping out to taste me. Suddenly I’m crushing her against the wall, my body finding contact with hers everywhere. My hand is on her forehead, pulsing life force into her before I’m even thinking about it. She doesn’t flinch. Her wide brown eyes trust me implicitly. They remind me too much of Apple Girl, so I focus on her lips instead, speaking to them in a hushed tone, like I’m telling her a secret.
    “Off-book,” I say, licking my lips. “Just you and me, okay?” I’m not sure why I need this to be a secret. I’m not sure why I need this, but I do.
    She presses my hand harder against her forehead. I keep pumping more hit into her. Her lips curve into the relaxed smile that comes from an addict getting her dose. I recognize it, know it, can almost feel it myself. I watch her cheeks grow rosy in front of me. I kiss her again, with trembling lips, unable to wait until her hit finishes.
    When it’s done, I yank my hand away and cover her mouth with mine. I press her hard into the wall, urgent in my need. She draws lines on my back with her nails, familiar with what I