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both oil and vinegar will end up at the bottom of the salad bowl.
    One night the red hats drifted away in the middle of dinner when the owner, having told them to stop stealing Four Roses from the bar, found them drinking his vanilla extract instead. They retaliated before they vanished by stuffing four boned loins of black-market beef into two ice-cream freezers, where the meat froze solid and could not be removed through the round openings. Rather than dismantle the freezers, the owner defrosted them, so that after two days the tops were turning green while the rest of the meat remained stuck. Only then did he dismantle the freezers. When he insisted on making hamburger from this mess, I quit, but was lured back with a new job as fry cook a week later, after he had thrown the spoiled meat away.
    POTATO CHIPS
    You can make excellent potato chips at home in a domestic electric deep-fryer, but I use an old-fashioned fry pot with a long-handled wire basket, sold in restaurant-supply stores. Whichever you use, you will also need a mandoline or a similar device for cutting the chips. It is impossible to cutthem thin enough by hand. If you are using an electric fryer, follow the manufacturer’s instructions. Otherwise, pour about three inches of corn, soy, or canola oil—any of them will do, though canola is said to be less harmful—into a stovetop fry pot with a basket. Then peel four russet potatoes and trim the ends and sides to fit the carriage of your mandoline. Adjust your blade so that your potato slices are almost transparently thin but not so thin as to collapse in the oil. Then put the potato slices into a bowl of cold water to remove the starch so that the slices won’t adhere as they fry. Meanwhile, heat the oil to 350 degrees. As the oil heats, drain the potato slices and spin them a handful at a time in a salad spinner. Finally, pat them dry with paper towels. If you have time, chill the slices in the refrigerator for an hour or so, until they are dry to the touch. Because oil floats on water, the drier the potatoes, the more they will be exposed to the oil, the faster they will brown, and the less your oil will bubble up when wet potatoes hit the hot oil. Add a few slices to test the oil. The potatoes should rise to the surface, where the oil will bubble gently as the chips brown. As soon as they have browned slightly and become crisp—you can feel the crispness with a wooden spoon or chopstick—remove them with a slotted spoon or Chinese strainer and drain them on paper towels. Do not overcook them or they will darken and become bitter. Salt them lightly. If the chips clump together in the oil as they brown, separate them gently with tongs or a chopstick. Then add the rest of the slices, a dozen or so at a time, adjusting the flame to compensate for the drop in temperature as you add eachbatch. I keep a sheet pan with some crumpled paper towels beside the fry pot on the stovetop and simply dump the fried chips from the basket onto the pan to drain.
    HOT OIL Hot oil is dangerous. If you are using a stovetop fry pot and basket, put the handles where you can’t inadvertently bump into them. Oil is slippery, so if you spill some on the floor, wipe it up at once. If you splash some on your hand, rinse it off with cold water, then dry your hands and apply cortisone cream. If the oil begins to smoke, lower the flame at once. If it catches fire, cover the pot until the flame subsides. DO NOT USE WATER! Use a fire extinguisher if necessary. Let used oil cool, then pour it into an empty tin and throw it out or strain it and use it in your diesel. Do not pour hot oil down the sink. It will melt the PVC drains.
    You may prefer to adjust the shredding blade of your mandoline to cut the potatoes into matchsticks rather than chips. Rinse, dry, and fry as above. Chips and matchsticks, unlike conventional fries, remain crisp for days, look better on the plate, are less starchy, and in my opinion taste better, since they offer