Earth vs. Everybody Read Online Free PDF Page A

be the funniest guy in the
universe.
    Larry had me in
stitches all the way to the meeting, pretending he was scared and didn’t want
to go. I tried to get him to do a funny imitation of the Big Boss, but he
seemed nervous about the idea, and said no. The way he said it made me bust a
gut.
    I was still
laughing when we arrived at a door marked “Mr. Theremin”. Larry paused for a
moment, ran his finger around his collar, then my finger, then opened the door
and we went inside.
    Seated at the
desk in the middle of the office was a cloud of energy in a suit. Small
lightning bolts moved around its “body” periodically, and there was a smell of
burned wiring in the air. The cloud of energy was dictating a letter.
    “Yours of the 15 th inst. received, bzzzzz,” it said.
    “What the…?” I
said.
     

CHAPTER FOUR
     
    I might as well
admit right now that I don’t understand electricity. Spit, I understand. And
dirt. And enriched flour. Those three things. Not electricity. If you can’t
hold it in your hand, or get it on your pants, I don’t get it. And if I did
understand electricity, I wouldn’t understand electricity that was wearing a
suit.
    “You sent for me,
Boss?” asked Larry, nervously.
    “I did.”
    Larry lit up a
cigarette and started puffing on it. I could tell he was nervous. He wasn’t a
smoker. And he didn’t have any cigarettes. I guess it just shows what you can
do if you’re nervous enough. I reminded Larry out of the side of my mouth that
I was here. If things got rough, he could count on me. He told me to be quiet,
for God’s sake. I said I would. You got it, boss, I said. Quiet it is. Quiet
quiet quiet.
    Mr. Theremin
started giving Larry hell about something he’d done wrong—some big operation
that hadn’t worked out right, or too much overtime being paid out in the third
quarter—something like that. I didn’t pay much attention. It wasn’t my
business. Pretty much nothing is. But I didn’t like seeing my boss taking it on
the chin like this.
    I sidled over to
Larry. “You want me to slap him around a little, boss?”
    “No!”
    “Okay.”
    I went back to
where I had been standing before and put my brain back on hold. It began
humming “The Girl From Ipanema”, as usual. I’m starting to get tired of that
song. And yet, it’s kind of catchy.
    When I started
singing the song out loud, Mr. Theremin seemed to notice me for the first time.
He asked Larry who the big lug yelling in the corner was. Meaning me. Larry
said I was his new bodyguard, and that my name was Frank. Mr. Theremin and I shook
hands. I giggled uncontrollably as we shook.
    Theremin asked me
if we had met before. I was pretty sure we hadn’t. I would have remembered a
ball of lightning in a suit, I’m sure. Usually when people say “Didn’t I meet
you somewhere before?” to me, I get cagey and say no. But in this case I really
didn’t remember meeting him before, so I didn’t just say no, I yelled it.
    Mr. Theremin gave
me one more searching glance, then resumed chewing out Larry, screaming so loud
at one point during his tirade that Larry did a spit-take.
    Theremin frowned.
“I told you not to do that in my office.”
    “It’s my
trademark. It’s funny.”
    “It’s funny on
your carpet. Not on mine.”
    Theremin got up
from his chair and cleaned up the area around Larry. Then he looked at me. “Let
me vacuum up that dandruff. Fart out the window, please.”
    “Yes, sir.” I
moved over to the window as requested and stood there quietly, wiping my nose
on the drapes.
    Now I understood
why there were recycling cans all over the building. And why everybody had to
take their turn pushing a broom around the neighborhood. This guy was a real
neat freak. The fussiest guy I’d ever seen. The sooner I got away from him, the
better I’d like it. I’m not comfortable farting out of a window. I feel like an
idiot.
    When the meeting
was over and we were walking back to Larry’s office, I said: “I notice