Doctor Whom or ET Shoots and Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Parodication Read Online Free PDF Page B

robotic soldiers and sprinting away to the side. It was obvious to me at once that there was no way out in this direction.
    ‘What are we going to do?’ demanded Linn, as we slid to a halt. ‘We can’t stay here.’
    The menacing-looking, silvery humanoids had wheeled about, and now were advancing upon us in a single rank, marching in perfect step. They moved unhurriedly; implacably; determinedly, deadly-ly. They looked, in fact, like a rank of Nazi stormtroopers parading down Evilstraße, Berlin, in 1938. Except they were all silvery, rather than wearing any kind of black uniform. And that they were marching through a large chamber carved from solid ice, rather than along a city street. And that they wore no insignia, and carried no banners or flags or anything like that. And that they weren’t, to be fair, lifting their legs quite so high as Nazi stormtroopers might have done. So, on reflection, not very like the Nazi stormtroopers then. You see, you need to understand that I chose just now the ‘Nazi storm-trooper’ analogy to convey their sinister orderliness and threat, rather than wanting to create a whole visual picture that would inevitably be more distracting and less expressive.
    ‘Cydermen!’ cried the Dr. ‘The second most feared evil creature in the galaxy! But what are they doing aboard a British experimental naval craft in nineteen-twelve? ’
    ‘Cydermen?’ I said ‘What sort of being might they be?’
    ‘Terrible, implacable creatures,’ said the Dr. ‘Implacably terrible. Their terror really knows no plac.’
    The approaching humanoids were chanting something as they advanced: ‘Ooo Aur! OOO AUR!’
    ‘What are they saying?’ I asked.
    ‘It’s their war cry. If I remember correctly, Aur means gold in their language.’
    ‘Gold? That’s their war cry? - gold ?’
    ‘It has religious significance for them, I believe,’ said the Dr. ‘It means they can always believe in their soul , and that they have the power to be . . . to be, um, very much like a reactively inert and non-corrosive metal.’
    ‘OOO AUR!’ bellowed the Cydermen, stepping closer with every goosey-gandering step. One of the silvery men lifted his hand. I saw then that it consisted not of fingers and a thumb, but of four silver pistol-barrels and a small thumb-sized cannon. The middle finger detonated, puffing smoke, and the ice-wall behind us burst under brief fire. The ice-chamber rocked, and chunks of ice fell from the ceiling.
    ‘Also,’ said the Dr, ducking behind a large ridge of ice at the far end of the chamber. ‘They’re allergic to it. Gold, I mean.’
    Linn and I were not slow to join him behind the ridge of ice. It was the only cover in the place.
    ‘What kind of creature is allergic to gold?’ said Linn. ‘Given how perfectly inert and unreactive it is? There’s nothing in it to be allergic to .’
    ‘A good point,’ agreed the Dr. ‘Nevertheless, they are. Gold allergic, I mean.’
    A second explosion clattered away behind us. Once again, chunks, stalagtites and stalaglufts of ice showered down around us. We were in a situation of some peril.
    ‘Have you got any gold?’ I asked.
    ‘Not on me,’ said the Dr. ‘No. Nor, indeed, off me. Neither on me nor off me, do I have any gold. Not really my style , gold, now, is it?’
    ‘Linn?’ I asked. ‘Do you have any gold?’
    ‘I’m afraid not,’ she replied.
    ‘Well that’s not much use,’ I pointed out.
    ‘OOO AUR! OOO AUR!’ bellowed the advancing Cydermen.
    ‘If we could get some gold, could we stop these Cydermen?’ I asked the Dr.
    ‘Easily,’ he said.
    ‘And what if we can’t get the gold?’
    ‘Then they will be - literally, as well as metaphorically - unstoppable. They won’t stop until we’re dead. And, actually, they won’t even stop then. They’ll carry on after we’re dead just as implacably as they are presently doing, before our deaths. Nothing will stop them. In conclusion,’ he concluded, ‘they won’t