Discworld 30 - Monstrous Regiment Read Online Free PDF Page B

hand on it, palm upwards. ‘Gimme shillin’.’
‘We’ve only got the bits of pape—’ Corporal Strappi began. Sergeant Jackrum jabbed an
elbow into his ribs.
‘Upon my oath, are you mad?’ he hissed. ‘There’s a ten-man bounty for enlisting a troll!’
With his other hand he reached into his jacket pocket, pulled out a real silver shilling, and
placed it delicately in the huge hand. ‘Welcome to your new life, friend! I’ll just write your
name down, shall I? What is it?’
The troll looked at ceiling, feet, sergeant, wall and table. Polly saw its lips move.
‘Carborundum?’ it volunteered.
‘Yeah, probably,’ said the sergeant. ‘Er, how’d you like to shav— to cut off some of that
hai— moss? We’ve got a, a sort of a . . . regulation . . .’
Wall, floor, ceiling, table, fingers, sergeant. ‘No,’ said Carborundum.
‘Right. Right. Right,’ said the sergeant quickly. ‘It’s not a regulation as per such, actually,
it’s more of an advisory. Silly one, too, eh? I’ve always thought so. Glad to have you with
us,’ he added fervently.
The troll licked the coin, which gleamed like a diamond in its hand. It actually did have
grass growing under its fingernails too, Polly noticed. Then Carborundum trudged to the bar.
The crowd parted instantly, because trolls never had to stand at the back of the press of
bodies, waving money and trying to catch the barman’s eye.
He broke the coin in two and dropped both halves on the bar top. Eyebrow swallowed. He
looked as though he would have said ‘Are you sure?’ except that this was not a question
barmen addressed to people weighing over half a ton. Carborundum thought for a while, and
then said: ‘Gimme drink.’
Eyebrow nodded, disappeared briefly into the room behind the bar, and came back holding
a double-handled mug. Maladict sneezed. Polly’s eyes watered. It was the kind of smell you
sense with your teeth. The pub might make foul beer as a matter of course, but this was eye-
stinging vinegar.
Eyebrow dropped one half of the silver coin into it, and then took a copper penny out of
the money drawer and held it over the fuming mug. The troll nodded. With just a hint of
ceremony, like a cocktail waiter dropping the little umbrella into a Double Entendre,
Eyebrow let the copper fall.
More bubbles welled up. Igor watched with interest. Carborundum picked the mug up in
two fingers of each shovel-like hand, and swallowed the contents in one gulp. He stood stock
still for a moment, then carefully put the mug back on the bar.
     
 
  
‘You gentlemen might like to move back a bit,’ murmured Eyebrow.
‘What’s going to happen?’ said Polly.
‘It takes ‘em all differently,’ said Eyebrow. ‘Looks like this one’s - no, there he goes . . .’
With considerable style, Carborundum went over backwards. There was no sagging at the
knees, no girly attempt to soften the fall. He just went from standing up, one hand out, to
lying down, one hand up. He even rocked gently for some time after hitting the floor.
‘Got no head for his drink,’ said Eyebrow. ‘Typical of the young bucks. Wants to play the
big troll, comes in here, orders an Electrick Floorbanger, doesn’t know how to handle it.’
‘Is he going to come round?’ said Maladict.
‘No, that’s it until dawn, I reckon,’ said Eyebrow. ‘Brain stops working.’
‘Shouldn’t affect him too much, then,’ said Corporal Strappi, stepping up. ‘Right, you
miserable lot. You’re sleeping in the shed out the back, understand? Practically waterproof,
hardly any rats. We’re out of here at dawn! You’re in the army now!’

Polly lay in the dark, on a bed of musty straw. There was no question of anyone’s getting
undressed. The rain hammered on the roof and the wind blew through a crack under the door,
despite Igor’s attempt to stuff it with straw. There was some desultory conversation, during
which Polly found that she was sharing the