Diary of a Mad Diva Read Online Free PDF Page A

traditional people—to this day they always put extra starch in my shirts, and all of my clothes are neatly folded and boxed, not draped over a hanger like a pregnant hooker in an alley.
    I did a little research on this topic, and by research I mean I tied my maid Pingpong to a parking meter and made her tell me everything she knew about the Chinese culture. The fact that Pingpong is Filipino and knows nothing of China means zilch to me. I have a great quest for knowledge. One of the interesting facts she spewed out was that the Chinese New Year began with a fight against a mythical beast named Nian, who, on the first day of the new year, would come into town to eat livestock, crops, villagers and even children. The same exact thing happened on the Jewish New Year, except our mythical beast was named Lainie Kazan and the town she came to was Las Vegas.
    FEBRUARY 11
    Dear Diary:
    Today will go down as a very big day in Homo History: First, the United States military announced it will provide the same benefits to same-sex couples as it does to heterosexual couples, which means sexual assault is now legal for the gays, too! Second, two of my gay friends, Lenny and Denny, * are getting married and they’ve asked me to marry them. I am thrilled. Not because I get to conduct their service, but because I get to attend their wedding and don’t have to buy a gift. They’re getting married on Valentine’s Day, which is only three days away—I hope it’s not because they have to.
    FEBRUARY 12
    Dear Diary:
    Call me Reverend Joan! Spent a couple of hours online and I am now a proudly ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. The Universal Life Church is a semi-nondenominational church and the church of choice for lesbians who want to get married (usually on their second date, when they’ve finished bowling). The church doesn’t cater to any specific religion such as Christian, Muslim or Jewish, so I never have to mention the names of the leaders of the Big Three: Jesus, Allah and Mandy Patinkin.
    FEBRUARY 13
    Dear Diary:
    I finally finished writing the marriage vows I have to administer tomorrow. I tried to find a gentle balance between passion and grace:
We are gathered here together to witness the exchanging of marriage vows between Lenny Goldberg and his furrier, Denny Glick.
If there is anyone present today who knows of any reason why this couple should not be married—other than both sets of parents, thirty-seven states, most worldwide religions and the offensive line of the Miami Dolphins—let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Do you, Lenny, solemnly swear to take Denny to be your lawfully wedded, versatile bottom? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and keep him for as long as you both shall live, or until he gets Alzheimer’s and you can void the prenup and get everything in your name?
Do you, Denny, agree to the same stuff except that if things don’t work out you get the cats and he gets the Lady Gaga CDs?
Denny, as a symbol of your promise to Lenny, please place the ruby slippers on his feet, click your heels three times and say, “There’s no place like homo, there’s no place like homo, there’s no place like homo.”
Inasmuch as you have consented to be united in the bonds of matrimony—not to mention tied to the bedposts with ball gags in your mouths—and you have exchanged your wedding vows before all those present today, by the powers vested in me by the State of New York, which I got free, online, I now pronounce you married. You may now kiss . . . or better yet, spank, the bride.
    I think I got the tone right, no?
    FEBRUARY 14
    Dear Diary:
    Valentine’s Day!!! It just hit me. Not that I’m bitter, but I don’t think it is a coincidence that the initials for Valentine’s Day are VD. Perhaps I am bitter. I’ve only gotten two Valentines in my entire life. One from my husband, Edgar, which read, “Roses are red, violets are blue, undress one more time in front of me, and