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if you think you might need them . . . They will get an opportunity to say something, won’t they, Sydnee?’
    ‘A bit, I should think. It really depends how Barrett plays it.’
    ‘Yes. Well, as I say, I have got a few lines about, you know, being a hamburger chef . . . or a stockbroker . . . or an actor . . . or not being them. You know, these games always sound better if you get a bit of repartee going with the host. I mean . . . Anyone fancy any lines? I could write them down on cards for you or – Well, if you do want any, you only have to ask . . . as I say . . . It’s up to you, really.’
    He ran aground on silence.
    ‘Right,’ asked Sydnee brightly. ‘How many teas, how many coffees?’
    There was a marked contrast in moods in the two Conference Rooms that had been properly booked. One contained the four contestants who were actually going to play
If The Cap Fits,
the other the celebrities whose role was to add a little glamour to the show. In the first there was an atmosphere of obsessive nervousness; in the second, of equally obsessive insouciance.
    For the four contestants, the day was the culmination of a long process. They had all originally written in to West End Television, saying how suitable they thought they would be as contestants in the company’s major, long-running giveaway show,
Funny Money
. In reply to their letters they had been sent a yellow questionnaire, asking information about age, marital status, work, hobbies and ‘any amusing incidents that may have happened in your life’. They had been requested to return the completed form, together with a recent photograph. It was these snapshots which ruled out most of the candidates. Television game shows are constructed on the premise that everyone is attractive, and those whose looks did not meet the researchers’ approval had their participation in the world of television restricted to an appearance on Sydnee’s ‘Ugly Wall’.
    Those who survived the scrutiny were requested to appear for interview at a large hotel in their locality on a given date. This date was not negotiable; those who couldn’t make it lost their chances of participating in the show. At the interview (which for most of the candidates involved taking a day off work) they were chatted to for up to an hour by Sydnee or another of the researchers, who then decided which contenders attained that level of cheery triviality which game shows demanded.
    The four in the Conference Room, having overcome all these hurdles, had been not a little disappointed when their magic phone-calls finally came through. Yes, they had been very impressive in their interviews. They were just the sort of people who would be ideal game show contestants. Unfortunately, W.E.T. had got all the participants required for the current series of
Funny Money
. But the company was about to launch a new game show, bound to be quite as successful as the other – would they like to be in on the start of a milestone in television history?
    This was not what most of them had had in mind, but they all (in one case only after checking the value of the prizes that were to be given away) agreed to participate. The initial call had been followed by a letter, outlining the format of
If The Cap Fits,
and then further phone-calls making detailed arrangements about transport and, where necessary, overnight accommodation.
    And there they were, actually in a Conference Room in W.E.T. House, guarded by one of Sydnee’s fellow-researchers (with the equally silly name of Chita), and about to go down to Studio A to run through the game with the host, the notoriously good-looking and popular Barrett Doran. It was enough to make anyone a bit nervous.
    But their nervousness took different forms, because for each of them the prospect of appearing on television had a different significance. For Trish Osborne, who, though she bitterly resented the description, would be introduced on the show as ‘a housewife from