Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage And/or Sex Read Online Free PDF Page B

words “astro” and “ology,” so right away we can see that it is very scientific. In fact, astrology rests on a proven principle, namely that if you know the exact positions where the moon and the various planets were when a person was born, you can get this person to give you money. The way you do this is by making up random, semi-unintelligible pieces of advice, such as “attend to future considerations.”
    To use astrology for your own personal benefit, simply locate your astrological “sign” then look up your horoscope in any reputable newspaper and govern your entire life accordingly.

How to Break Up
    The ideal way to break up is the one featured in the famous best-selling book, Love Story, where the beautiful heroine, sensing that the relationship is getting maybe a little stale, contracts a fatal disease. In real life, however, it’s never that easy. You never have a really good excuse for breaking up with the other person, so you feel guilty, and you put off confronting the problem. I have a friend who found it so difficult to tell his girlfriend he no longer loved her that he just kept going along with the program, until finally, one day, they actually got married. They had a big wedding, and she was up there, in front of all her friends and family, thinking this was the happiest day of her life, and he was standing there in a rental tuxedo, thinking: “Should I tell her now? Nah. Better wait till after we cut the cake.” This kind of thing happens all the time.
    So if you’re going to break up, you have to overcome your guilt and break up now. Otherwise you’ll never find the person you really want, the person with whom you can achieve your goal of Lifelong Happiness. You should follow the example of famous former ravishing beauty Elizabeth Taylor, who sheds husbands like used Kleenex and has consequently achieved Lifelong Happiness dozens of times.
    Of course your major concern, in breaking up, is how to do it in such a way that the other person doesn’t get so upset that he or she stabs himself or herself. Or yourself. I recommend that you take the honest approach. Come right out with the truth. That is always best, in the end. To build up your courage, practice holding imaginary conversations with your lover, wherein you set forth, calmly and rationally, the reasons why you feel the breakup is necessary, then try to imagine, and sensitively respond to, the various objections your lover might have:
    YOU: Listen, I, um, I, uhh ...
    YOUR LOVER: Yes? Is there something you wish to tell me?
    YOU: Um.
    YOUR LOVER: Are you trying to tell me that, although you care for me deeply, and you will cherish always the times that we have had together, you really feel that we both need more space to grow and enrich our lives as separate individuals? For my sake as well as yours?
    YOU: Well.
    YOUR LOVER: Then perhaps it would be best if we broke up, with no hard feelings or remorse on either side.
    YOU: Okay by me.
    After you’ve mentally rehearsed this dialogue enough times, you simply go through it again, out loud, but this time in the presence of your lover. You’ll be surprised at how smoothly it goes:
    YOU: Listen, I, um, I, uhh ...
    YOUR LOVER: If you break up with me, I’m going to kill myself.
    YOU: I was thinking we should get married.
    There! See how easy that was? I am so very happy for the both of you! Onward to our “Important Prenuptial Chapter.”

Chapter 5. Important Prenuptial Chapter

    Should you and your spouse-to-be have a prenuptial agreement? We put this question to five of the country’s leading attorneys, and they sent us bills totalling $63,500. This should give you an idea of how important it is to try to avoid those pesky legal squabbles that could crop up down the road. So just in case, we have prepared the following Low-Cost But Fair Prenuptial Agreement for you. Of course, as is the case with any binding legal document, we strongly suggest that, before you