Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage And/or Sex Read Online Free PDF

not. What would their clothes smell like?
    The point being, a relationship can survive on pure romance for only so long. Sooner or later, Mundane Reality starts to seep in, and you need to make a decision:
    * Do you break up with this person and look around for another one in hopes of once again experiencing the searing surge of unbridled passion, ideally in a carpeted environment? Or,
    * Do you accept that your relationship can move to a more mature stage, a stage based not so much upon impulse and romance and physical attraction as upon liking the same television shows? In short, do you get married?

How to Tell If You Are Compatible with Somebody

    One way to find out if another person is “right” for you is to spend a lot of time with this person, talking and sharing experiences, so that you really get to know him or her as a human being. This is what we call the old-fashioned, or “stupid” way. The modern way is to take a Compatibility Quiz.
    The Compatibility Quiz is a concept that was developed by top research scientists at Cosmopolitan magazine, a highly informative publication whose cover always has a picture of a glamorous woman, wearing an extremely low-cut outfit, whose breasts appear to be pointing straight up. In fact, they are pointing down: Cosmopolitan suspends these women by their feet from the ceiling. That is the price you have to pay, if you truly wish to be glamorous.
    Anyway, if you want to know whether your relationship will work out, you need to sit down and answer these questions:
Money
    Who do you feel should be the “breadwinner” in a family?
    A. The man.
    B. The woman.
    C. H. Ross Perot.
Children
    Which of the following statements best describes your feelings toward children?
    A. “Put that down this instant!”
    B. “I said put that down!”
    C. “Never put your finger in that part of the doggy!!”
Housework
    In a modern marriage, who do you feel should be responsible for the housework?
    A. Nobody.
    B. It should be divided up fairly and equally among the servants.
    C. Leona Helmsley.
Recreation
    Your idea of a pleasant romantic evening is:
    A. Sipping a glass of wine and watching a roaring fire.
    B. Drinking a few martinis and roaring at the fire.
    C. Drinking a bottle of gin and setting things on fire.
Sex
    The kind of sex you enjoy most is:
    A. With another person.
    B. With several other persons, but no animals.
    C. At least not invertebrates.
    D. Unless they are fairly tame.
Religion
    How would you describe your attitude toward religion?
    A. About your height, only thinner.
    B. I am not especially big on religion, but I have watched it on television.
    C. I am religious to the point of human sacrifice.
Family Crises
    Bill and Denise are a young married working couple with no children. One day they set out from Reno, Nevada, on foot at exactly 4:30 P.m. Bill walks three miles per hour and rests for ten minutes each hour, while Denise walks at exactly two miles per hour without stopping. After a couple of days they are both dead from scorpions. Which of the following statements most closely matches your feelings regarding this?
    A. It serves them right.
    B. I hear Reno is quite nice.
    C. I myself prefer a moister climate.
Current Events
    The capital of Vermont is:
    A. Where they keep the governor.
    B. Very cold.
    C. Probably in New England.
    HOW TO SCORE: Give yourself one point for each answer. No, what the heck, give yourself two points for each answer. Now add up your points and compare your total with the total for the person you’re trying to be compatible with. If both of your totals are numbers, odds are you two will hit it off pretty well. At least until you get married. Or maybe not. How the hell should I know?
    Your total: Your potential mate’s total:

Alternative Method for Stupid People
    Another excellent way to decide whether another person is compatible with you is to use astrology. The word “astrology” comes from the Greek or possibly Latin