Confessions of a Scary Mommy: An Honest and Irreverent Look at Motherhood: The Good, the Bad, and the Scary Read Online Free PDF Page B

exhaustion emanating from her hair. She will have circles under her eyes and be swaying back and forth, even if there is no babyin her arms at the time, soothing herself just as much as her absent infant. She will be drained, mentally and physically, and could cry on command, if you asked her to.
    New mothers with older children as well aren’t nearly as easy to spot. They aren’t as overwhelmed and exhausted as they were the first time around and they aren’t stressing over sleep patterns and exactly how much milk their babies are consuming. They have gained the knowledge that only experienced mothers have: the knowledge to appreciate their newborns, before they aren’t newborns anymore.
    But, even more than the ability to relish those fleeting moments, they’ve gained the wisdom that as trying and monotonous as the constant feeding and burping and changing may be, it’s nothing compared to what’s coming in the not-so-distant future. It’s the dirty little secret of new motherhood that nobody tells you: Newborns are a breeze. Just wait until you have a three-year-old and you’ll kill for those early days.
    Unless, of course, you have a truly colicky baby. In that case, best of luck. You’re pretty much screwed.

Chapter 5
PAYING FOR THE NINE-MONTH BINGE

    Mommy Confessions
    • Last week, my hairdresser asked how far along I was. I’m not pregnant, but I pretended to be four months. I can never go back there now.
    • How did I let myself get to 210 pounds? Oh, yeah. Pregnancy cravings. Eighty pounds of them.
    • I’m still trying to lose the baby weight from my twins. They’re juniors in high school.
    • I’m praying that my son will come out weighing ten pounds . . . I know it will be hell to deliver, but every extra pound is one more I don’t have to work to lose.
    • I told my husband that we were on a sex hiatus until I lost the baby weight. That was two years ago.
    • I miss my pre-kids stomach so much it hurts.
    • I miss the crazy concoctions of food I created when I was pregnant: tuna and roast beef sub with onions, jalapeños, chipotle sauce, vinegar, and carrots was my favorite. Subway thought I was out of my mind.
    • I’m seriously debating adopting just so I don’t gain all that weight.
    • Just tried on my prepregnancy jeans four weeks after having my baby. I was sure they’d just be tight, but OMG, I can’t even pull them up past my knees. SHIT.
    • I don’t know why women complain about the baby weight as much as they do. For the first time in my life, I have boobs! And I love every inch of them.
    • I am eight months pregnant, but was overweight to start. My husband just called me morbidly obese and I want to crawl under a rock and die . . . if only I could find one big enough.
    • Contrary to popular belief among my family, I don’t have postpartum depression. I’m just upset about being so freaking fat.
    • I’m wearing maternity jeans but I haven’t been pregnant in six years.
    D espite all the things I loathed about pregnancy, there was one thing about it that I savored. One thing that made all of the misery and swelling and aches and pains worthwhile. One thing that could, perhaps, convince me to suffer through the whole thing all over again for a fourth and final time (well,one thing other than the resulting baby, of course). I’m talking about the food. The glorious, glorious food.
    Eating all day long was the only thing that quelled my nausea and it just felt so damn good. Pregnancy marked the first time in my life when I wasn’t consciously sucking in my gut and it was absolutely liberating. Now, I know, I know it’s not medically necessary to eat for two, since the baby is the size of a sea monkey for the first trimester, but I did anyway. Actually, I ate for five. I easily could have fed a small village with what I consumed during my pregnancy. Probably for an entire year.
    I can’t say that I had any particular cravings, because I simply craved everything .