Confessions Of A Karaoke Queen Read Online Free PDF

‘What’s with all the
drama
? Whatever happened to PMA?’
    There’s a silence. Simon looks embarrassed.
    ‘Positive mental attitude!’ shrieks Ruby. ‘PMA! That’s what I’m talking about, girls.’ She grinds the cigarette out and slams the window shut, waving the smoke around with perfectly manicured hands. But blokes’ hands, nonetheless.
    Ruby du Jour is Sing It Back’s much-loved resident drag queen. Her real name is Rob Day, an ex-backing dancer in his forties who worked for a time with the inimitable soul diva Bobbi Sanchez. Unable to leave the stage behind after Bobbi’s career plummeted amid a drugs scandal, Rob hit the drag scene in the nineties and toured a handful of London’s clubs with a brilliantly reviewed comedy act. He’s really talented, or at least he was in his heyday – and the wonderful thing is you never know who’s going to turn up at the club on any given night: Ruby is extravagant, exciting, extraordinary; Rob is sensitive, capable, trustworthy. I like them both in separate ways – it’s like having two friends in one. Recently I’ve seen far more of Ruby than I have of Rob, though, and I miss him. He never ‘came out’ as Rob, only as Ruby, and I sometimes wonder if she’s the only person he knows how to be these days.
    ‘Look,’ I say, ‘we’ll make it work. Trust me. I’ll … I’ll sort it out.’
    ‘What’s with all the negativity?’ demands Ruby, coming to sit opposite me. She crosses her long legs. ‘It’s not like any of us are losing our jobs … are we?’
    I shake my head. ‘Of course not.’
    ‘Then what’s there to be upset about?’ Ruby looks roundat the assembled faces. Simon shrugs. Archie raises an eyebrow. Jaz examines her neon-painted nails.
    ‘The way I see it,’ Ruby goes on, ‘this is one hell of an opportunity. Not just for Maddie but for all of us!’
    Jaz looks up. ‘What d’you mean?’ Curiosity gets the better of the guinea pig, too: with an enquiring expression, Andre emerges from her handbag. Is that a
monocle
he’s wearing?
    ‘I mean’ – Ruby unclasps her clutch and plucks out a lipstick – ‘that the club is in a sorry state. It’s rock bottom. It’s an embarrassment.’ Blank faces. ‘Come on, we all skirt around the issue—’
    ‘We know you do, Rob,’ Archie interjects gruffly.
    ‘—but quite frankly the place is a
dive
.’
    I hold my hands up. ‘No offence, Ruby, but this isn’t making me feel better …’
    ‘Let me finish!’ Ruby’s painted eyebrows shoot up like a pair of brackets. ‘My point is that it can’t get much worse, can it?’ Silence. ‘Exactly. So whatever Maddie does
has
to be an improvement. If you ask me, we may as well make that improvement worthwhile.’
    Simon looks doubtful. ‘How?’
    ‘Let’s throw everything we’ve
got
at it!’ cries Ruby, as though it’s the easiest thing in the world. ‘Why just cope, why just manage, why just’ – she addresses me – ‘“make it work”? Why, when we can do so much better?’ She applies a slick of bright red lippy and we all wait, transfixed. ‘Archie, let’s start with you. Shake up the old cocktail menu, it’s nearly as ancient as you and it’s crying out for a revamp. Market research, that’s what you need to do.’
    ‘Market you-what?’
    ‘I can ramp up publicity,’ Jaz chips in with a shrug, scooping Andre out and plopping him on the table. ‘It can’t hurt to print a few fliers and get some support going …’
    Ruby extends a painted-red talon. ‘Exactly.’
    ‘I could update the playlists?’ Simon suggests, looking to me for approval. ‘Some of the stuff on there’s pretty evil.’
    ‘And
I
,’ announces Ruby, ‘will be working on a new cabaret act.’ Everybody groans. ‘What? What’s wrong with my cabaret act?’
    Archie shakes his head.
    Ruby looks hurt.
    ‘Hang on,’ I say, ‘Ruby’s got a point.’ And the more I think about it, the more she has. A little germ of hope is glowing in my