Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids Read Online Free PDF Page B

guard that wound. There is no pain and, therefore, no need to remain vigilant so as to preempt the next blow. Because they are not fighting a war against discrimination, heterosexuals are not likely to understand how a small act of degradation can feel like lost ground.
                       As a parent, it is important for you to know that gay jokes hurt people. They push closeted gays further into dark corners and add to the already heavy burden for those who struggle with self-acceptance. I think of gay jokes as the proverbial straws dumped on the camel’s back. When I hear one, I fear that for someone in the room it will prove to be the last straw.
                       There is no easy way to close the rift in perception between sexual minorities and heterosexuals. I look forward to the day when mockery of LGBTQs is viewed as socially repugnant. Until that day comes, there are always bridges that can allow passage from one world view to another. Stand up for your child by interrupting gay jokes that occur in your presence. Listen to your child’s insights and perceptions. By valuing his or her experience, you build the bridge that maintains your connection.

Chapter 5
What to Say
    M aybe you don’t want to say the wrong thing, but you aren’t sure what to say. In my opinion, the most important words you can say to your gay child are: “I love you.” This is the fastest way to allay any fear of rejection. The second most important thing you can say is: “I’m proud of you.” This dismisses any assumption of parental disappointment. The third most important thing to say is: “I’m glad you told me.” This conveys that you are not going to crumble and that you can handle this news.
    If you are baffled or unglued by your child’s disclosure of his or her sexual orientation, I suggest that you refrain, at least initially, from sharing those feelings. Instead, focus on your child’s feelings. Ask, “Was it hard for you tell me?” “How long have you been struggling with telling me?” “What do you need from me?” If your child looks sad, ask about the sadness. If your son or daughter looks angry, ask what s/he is angry about. There are many ways to feel about coming out, including relief and happiness. Try not to make any assumptions about how your child feels about being gay. Staying focused on your child allows you to gather more information from him or her while collecting your own feelings.
    When your child is more at ease with his or her sexuality and decision to come out to you, you can admit that you’re confusedor scared as long as you own your feelings. Owning your feelings is acknowledging that how you feel may not be how everybody feels or how your child feels. Your child probably already knows if you have a negative view of homosexuality, so don’t be afraid to admit that you were taught to think of homosexuality as a sin (or whatever you were taught) and that you feel unsettled by the news that s/he is gay. Follow this with more reassurance that you are not going anywhere. You might try: “You’re going to have to teach me about this. I need to learn more about homosexuality.”
    Don’t rush in with advice. This is probably new terrain for you. When faced with new terrain, it’s a good idea to step back and observe before forging ahead. You can look on the Web site of Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) to see if they have a local chapter near you. Through PFLAG, you can meet other parents who are making the adjustment to having a gay child. You can also meet parents who are completely at ease with their children’s sexual orientations. It’s a good idea to find varied and reliable sources to read as well. If your child offers you something specific to read, read it. S/he needs to know that you want to understand things from his or her perspective. Your child will appreciate that you’re willing and want to take this journey