Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids Read Online Free PDF

played roles in their curiosity and exploration of same-sex relationships. In these cases, abuse is a factor in sexual behavior, but sexual behavior is not always an indication of sexual orientation. People have sex for all kinds of reasons and not always because of genuine desire.
    I asked Sara if she was satisfied emotionally and sexually in her relationships with women. When she answered yes, I was disinclined to think of these relationships as a reaction to her rape. I also inquired about her experiences with men and about her sexual fantasies and attractions. In my experience, people know to whom they’re attracted, even if they are fearful of the objects of their attraction. If Sara were attracted to men (which would not discount her attraction to women), then she would be, at some level, aware of this attraction. I cautioned Sara against pathologizing relationships that bring her joy and I advised her to trust her feelings of attraction and follow where they lead.
     
            •   “We don’t have heterosexual pride day. Why do we have to have gay pride day?”
                       Every day is heterosexual pride day. The entitlements of heterosexuality are so ubiquitous they are seen as natural and go unappreciated. Proms celebrate a king and queen and not a king and king. Towel sets are printed “his” and “hers” not “hers” and “hers.” Magazines depict attractive heterosexual couples. Movies about gay relationships are rarely seen in mainstream outlets and most LGBTQs will never see a gay couple reflected in a magazine in the dentist’s waiting room. In some work settings, acknowledgement of a same-sex partner could endanger promotion. In most towns and cities, heterosexual couples walk the streets arm in arm without fear while it is an act of pure courage for a gay couple to hold hands. Heterosexual relationships are exalted every day, everywhere. When the same is true for gay relationships, there will be no need for a gay pride day or parade.
            •   “It was just a joke. Nobody meant anything by it.”
                       Not every LGBTQ handles gay “jokes” in the same manner. Some people choose to ignore them. For others, the context might determine whether they confront the jokers or let them pass unchallenged. I suspect that the stage of the gayindividual’s identity development as well as his or her personality and temperament play a role in how the person responds. For instance, an LGBTQ individual in the Identity Pride stage may be more likely to express anger than one in Identity Comparison who might treat the joke as a non-issue or even laugh at it. (Stages of sexual identity development are discussed in chapter 17 .)
                       When gays react negatively to gay jokes, it may be difficult for heterosexuals to empathize. LGBTQs who confront anti-gay comments can be seen as overreacting. By virtue of their readiness to interrupt a pleasant conversation with complaints of gay bashing, they may be seen as self-indulgent.
                       Gay jokes register differently with LGBTQs than with heterosexuals. In general, heterosexuals are more likely to make allowances, such as assuming that a joke was made without conscious intent to harm, which may be true. They see the comment in the context of their whole impression of the joke maker, forgiving, perhaps, this one sour note in an otherwise pleasant song. Conversely, LGBTQs tend to hear a gay joke if it’s whispered in a crowded room. When they hear one, they are less likely to care about intent. They feel personally put down, which is essentially accurate.
                       This difference in perceptions and reactions is understandable. Heterosexuals do not experience ridicule about their sexual orientation and so they are naturally not defensive on the subject. There is no wound and, therefore, no need to