grown-up logic. Something doesnât work, so you keep doing it until it starts to. If Liz really wanted me to be happy, there were loads of things she could do about it. Doughnuts would be a good start, but I wouldnât say no to lasers.
TWO WOMEN
Liz came to visit on Saturday. I wasnât exactly sure how I felt about it. I liked Liz, but I was still angry with her.
When I saw her, though, I was pretty pleased. She looked just the same as always â little, with red shoes, black curly hair that was starting to go grey, and a round face which was always laughing. Liz was about the most cheerful person I knew. It was nearly impossible to piss her off, and I should know. I tried really hard when I lived with her.
She put her arm around me and gave me this massive hug and said, âHowâre you doing, sport?â
I hate all that âHow are you?â stuff, so I mumbled, âIâm OK.â I didnât want to talk about me any more, so I said, âDid you know Jimâs got ducks? There are six of them and theyâve all got names. Daniel and Harriet named them, but I said it wasnât fair that they named them all and I didnât, so Harriet said I could name two of them. Come and seeââ And I dragged on her arm to pull her over.
âHey!â Liz pulled her arm away. âWhat do you do if you want to ask me something?â
âUgh!â Liz was awful about rules. âOne day Iâm going to be drowning,â I told her, âand Iâll be yelling, âSave me! Save me!â and youâll be all, âThatâs not an appropriate way to ask for help,â but by then Iâll be dead andââ
âYep,â said Liz. âIâm a cold-hearted woman, I am. So youâd better practise asking properly, hadnât you? Otherwise the fishesâll be feeding on Olivia and chips.â
âHuh,â I said. âYou wouldnât care. Youâd be happy if I drowned, then you wouldnât have to keep coming to visit.â
âYep,â said Liz. âMust be tough, having this horrible old woman who loves you so much.â
âYou donât love me!â I said. âYou donât love me at all !â
âToo right,â said Liz. And she grabbed me and started tickling me. I squealed.
âStop it! Let me go!â
âWhoâs come to visit you because she loves you? Who?â
I wouldnât say it.
âI donât know!â I said. âNo one!â But Liz wouldnât stop. âOK, you! You! Stop it!â
âDamn right I love you,â said Liz. âLetâs go, shall we?â
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We went to Bristol, because I said I was fed up of fields.We went to the cinema and then for a walk by the canal. We counted canal boats and fed the ducks, and admired the little baby ducklings all following their mother in a line. Then we had scampi and chips at a pub and watched the canal boat people opening and closing the locks to let the narrowboats through.
âI wish I lived in a narrowboat,â I said, but Liz said she didnât.
âSpiders,â she said. âAnd damp.â
But I wouldnât care. Iâd just like to be somewhere where no one could mess with my stuff, and no one could make me do anything I didnât want to, because if they tried, Iâd just motor off, and no one would ever find me.
âBut what about me?â said Liz. âIf I wanted to visit you, how would I know where to come?â
âYou wouldnât,â I said. âIâd be gone.â
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I had a pretty good time with Liz. Itâs tiring living with strangers, always trying to be nice in case they realize how horrible you are really and go off you. I hadnât realized quite how tiring it was until I had an afternoon off.
It was nearly seven when we got home. Tea was bubbling on the hob and Jim told me to ârun and put your things upstairs â