for a relationship, let alone marriage.”
“Not ready?” I asked, pretending I didn’t already know what he meant.
He turned to me and raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, not ready. I’m busy with work.”
“People work and have relationships,” I muttered under my breath.
Kellan shut the TV off and turned to face me, his body tense. “I thought you understood what I wanted. I thought you were cool with it. If you’re not then maybe we shouldn’t be doing this anymore. “His suggestion sent me into a panic; I wanted Kellan, and I’d fallen for him after only a few months. Who knew what the future might hold for us? I was willing to do anything to make him mine, even if that meant waiting for him to wake up and realize he wanted me to be his.
I quickly responded, “No, I understand what you are saying. We can take things slow. No need to put a label on anything, if that’s what you want. I’m cool with that.” I was lying, but if that was the price I needed to pay to keep him, then I would.
He leaned back on the couch and stared at me. “What I want is just to have fun. I thought that’s what we were doing. Wasn’t it?”
“We are. I just …” my voice trailed off. “Never mind. We’re having fun; that’s what we’re doing.” The buzzer signaled the arrival of our food and Kellan got up to answer it. I felt a sense of dread, knowing that I’d just signed off on a doomed arrangement, but still hopeful that Kellan would prove me wrong. I thought that if I just stood by him and showed him that I could be understanding and fun, without pressuring him into anything, then perhaps he would eventually want me to be his girlfriend.
Kellan Fields was a year older and was an international investment banker, so I understood that he was under a lot of pressure at work. I didn’t, however, understand how that pressure affected us. We hung out, went out, had sex, and had no problems with cuddling, but he didn’t want a real relationship or to call me his girlfriend. I wasted two years on Kellan, trying to show him how supportive and amazing I could be, but he never mentioned taking the next step. I would date other men to no avail, unable to keep my mind from thinking of Kellan and how in love with him I was. I told him about my dates, hoping it might make him jealous, but he didn’t care, instead shrugging it off and telling me that I should go find myself a nice guy.
One evening, while having dinner with a happy and single Danni, she gave me the book
He’s Just Not That Into You
, telling me I needed to read it, to
really
read it and that I would understand why once I’d finished it. She told me I needed to learn. I spent that entire night awake, reading intently.
After I finished the book, I felt a new sense of power. I had knowledge, and with that knowledge I gained understanding. But with this new knowledge also came humiliation, as I realized just how foolish I had been. I felt like I had been slapped, causing me to snap awake from the idealistic trance I’d been in for the past two years. After reading that book, I was on a mission, determined to talk to Kellan and explain my true feelings without allowing him to once again talk me into backing down.
The next night, I met Kellan at his apartment as usual; he was already dressed in his lounge pants, surely expecting our usual romp between the sheets. I walked past him when he let me in his apartment, my head held high. He walked into his bedroom, expecting me to follow, but I just stood in the kitchen with my jacket still on and my hands planted firmly on my hips. After a minute, he came back out of his room, obviously confused.
“Lucia, what are you doing?” he asked.
I took a deep breath, going over my prepared speech. “We need to talk.
“Not a bad opening, keep going,
I urged myself, surprised at how difficult this already was.
“OK, we can talk after.” His nonchalance infuriated me.
Through clenched teeth I said, “No, we need to
“Not ready?” I asked, pretending I didn’t already know what he meant.
He turned to me and raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, not ready. I’m busy with work.”
“People work and have relationships,” I muttered under my breath.
Kellan shut the TV off and turned to face me, his body tense. “I thought you understood what I wanted. I thought you were cool with it. If you’re not then maybe we shouldn’t be doing this anymore. “His suggestion sent me into a panic; I wanted Kellan, and I’d fallen for him after only a few months. Who knew what the future might hold for us? I was willing to do anything to make him mine, even if that meant waiting for him to wake up and realize he wanted me to be his.
I quickly responded, “No, I understand what you are saying. We can take things slow. No need to put a label on anything, if that’s what you want. I’m cool with that.” I was lying, but if that was the price I needed to pay to keep him, then I would.
He leaned back on the couch and stared at me. “What I want is just to have fun. I thought that’s what we were doing. Wasn’t it?”
“We are. I just …” my voice trailed off. “Never mind. We’re having fun; that’s what we’re doing.” The buzzer signaled the arrival of our food and Kellan got up to answer it. I felt a sense of dread, knowing that I’d just signed off on a doomed arrangement, but still hopeful that Kellan would prove me wrong. I thought that if I just stood by him and showed him that I could be understanding and fun, without pressuring him into anything, then perhaps he would eventually want me to be his girlfriend.
Kellan Fields was a year older and was an international investment banker, so I understood that he was under a lot of pressure at work. I didn’t, however, understand how that pressure affected us. We hung out, went out, had sex, and had no problems with cuddling, but he didn’t want a real relationship or to call me his girlfriend. I wasted two years on Kellan, trying to show him how supportive and amazing I could be, but he never mentioned taking the next step. I would date other men to no avail, unable to keep my mind from thinking of Kellan and how in love with him I was. I told him about my dates, hoping it might make him jealous, but he didn’t care, instead shrugging it off and telling me that I should go find myself a nice guy.
One evening, while having dinner with a happy and single Danni, she gave me the book
He’s Just Not That Into You
, telling me I needed to read it, to
really
read it and that I would understand why once I’d finished it. She told me I needed to learn. I spent that entire night awake, reading intently.
After I finished the book, I felt a new sense of power. I had knowledge, and with that knowledge I gained understanding. But with this new knowledge also came humiliation, as I realized just how foolish I had been. I felt like I had been slapped, causing me to snap awake from the idealistic trance I’d been in for the past two years. After reading that book, I was on a mission, determined to talk to Kellan and explain my true feelings without allowing him to once again talk me into backing down.
The next night, I met Kellan at his apartment as usual; he was already dressed in his lounge pants, surely expecting our usual romp between the sheets. I walked past him when he let me in his apartment, my head held high. He walked into his bedroom, expecting me to follow, but I just stood in the kitchen with my jacket still on and my hands planted firmly on my hips. After a minute, he came back out of his room, obviously confused.
“Lucia, what are you doing?” he asked.
I took a deep breath, going over my prepared speech. “We need to talk.
“Not a bad opening, keep going,
I urged myself, surprised at how difficult this already was.
“OK, we can talk after.” His nonchalance infuriated me.
Through clenched teeth I said, “No, we need to