Casket for Sale, Only Used Once Read Online Free PDF Page A

chances whatsoever with their safety.
    "He probably just wanted the best fishing spot for himself," said Roger.
    "Probably."
    "I have to wonder if perhaps you're taking this responsibility thing a bit too far. Maybe there's, you know, a middle ground."
    "I am on the middle ground," I said. "I could have us all wearing life preservers."
    "I guess you're right."
    "
Wreitzer
Park
didn't sound all that great anyway. I hear it's overrun with earwigs."
    Roger shrugged. "Yeah, but apparently Joe back there is a fearless earwig hunter."
    I was silent for a long moment. "We have some dumb-ass conversations, don't we?"
    "This was a conversation?"
    We'd backtracked about two miles before Theresa and Kyle started to fight over the final chocolate square from one of their candy bars. Theresa claimed she'd been saving it for future consumption, while Kyle's counter-argument was that he, not Theresa, had been the one with the foresight to ration his chocolate, and the final square contained his personal tooth marks on the edge as evidence of his decision.
    "One of you is lying, and they'd better fess up," Helen said, using the version of her don't-mess-with-me voice she directed at children, which was substantially less frightening than the version she directed at husbands.
    "It's mine!" Kyle insisted.
    "Should we pull over for DNA testing?" asked Samantha.
    In the rear-view mirror, I saw Helen give Samantha her please-don't-encourage-my-easily- encouragable -children look.
    "I think the store had a DNA test by the jar of pickled eggs," said Roger.
    Helen gave the same look to Roger.
    I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut.
    "Give me the chocolate," Helen ordered, holding out her hand.
    "But it's mine !" yelled Kyle.
    "I don't care. If you're going to fight over it, nobody gets the chocolate."
    "But then she gets her whole candy bar and I don't get all of mine because she's a liar!"
    "I am not!"
    "Are too!"
    "Am not!"
    "Are too, asshole!"
    Whoa! Kyle's first curse word. I was glad to be there for a truly memorable parental moment. I stopped the camper and turned around in my seat, not wanting to miss this showdown.
    "What did you say?" Helen demanded.
    Kyle looked surprised and terrified, as if the word had escaped from his mouth without his consent. "Nothing," he said in a small voice.
    " What did you say?" Helen demanded again. It seemed peculiar to want him to repeat a word he was in big trouble for saying in the first place, but I wasn't about to call her on that.
    "He said the a-word," Theresa pointed out, helpfully.
    "You be quiet," Helen told her.
    "But he did!"
    "I know what he said."
    "Then why did you ask?"
    "All right, I've had enough of this! I don't want to hear a single word out of either of you until we get to the campground. If I hear one word, even one , you will both be in more trouble than you can imagine !"
    Theresa and Kyle sat back in their seats to glare at each other.
    I resumed driving.
    Vague threats like "more trouble than you can imagine" really weren't Helen's style. She was usually capable of describing potential punishments in such minute detail they seemed to be the work of weeks of preparation. I wondered if she was genuinely shaken up by this third pregnancy.
    "See, Roger, all of this could be yours," I said.
    Roger grinned. To be perfectly honest, though my children drove me absolutely bonkers on a regular basis, I really had gotten a good deal, considering what they'd been through. It had only been about two years since Kyle and Theresa were kidnapped and almost killed. It was my fault, the direct result of a horrific mess Roger and I had gotten ourselves into. Theresa recovered fine, but Kyle had spent a year going to a school for emotionally disturbed children.
    That said, most of the time he was a perfectly happy little kid, and if the worst we had to deal with was him calling his sister an asshole, Helen and I were extremely fortunate.
    We rounded a corner and I applied the brake. A large dark-green