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for me.
    As exhilarating as the experience was, it was also a rude awakening. I, who’d always had Peter by my side to support and console me after a long and hard day’s work, now came back to an empty apartment. Too tired even to go out for dinner, I’d sit on my bed working on my camera shots by the light of my reading lamp, eating food my housekeeper Angelica had left in the fridge. At this point Peter and I were sharing Angelica and her husband, Ramon, depending on them to keep our places tidy.
    Some days they’d clean and cook for him, other days they’d do the same for me. I felt lonely, but kept trying to talk myself out of it. This isn’t a negative, I’d tell myself. But old habits die hard, and as much as I tried to convince myself I was a successful single person enjoying the solitude of her beautiful home, the old tape of feeling like a lonely spinster-in-the-making kept looping though my brain. Still, I forged ahead. MTV was spending a lot of money for this pilot and, come hell or high water, I was going to rise to the occasion.
    I surrounded myself with many of the same people I’d worked closely with on The Nanny, which made things easier. But since literally every decision rested on my shoulders, I found myself working harder than ever. The amount of stress I was feeling might have worsened my symptoms. After hours and hours of standing on the hard soundstage floors I was beginning to feel it in my lower abdomen. Is this also part of getting older? I thought, while taking some Advil and stealing moments to sit down in my director’s chair.
    It was on this project that I started to become friends with my associate producer, John, someone I’d also worked with on The Nanny. In all those years on the show, I can’t recall having had a single conversation with him, but on the MTV pilot that all 9377 Cancer Schmancer 2/28/02 4:18 PM Page 21
    The First Pilot for MTV
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    changed. I’d always found him easy on the eyes. There was a Mediterranean look to him that I found very attractive. He had long dark hair, deep brown eyes, and a winning smile. His fea-tures weren’t pretty, but attractive in a more horsey, masculine way; like Travolta, I thought.
    He was much younger than I. Sixteen years, to be exact. But I was working for MTV, and had intentionally surrounded myself with young people. And I, who in my head and heart was feeling young for the first time in my life, enjoyed hanging out with all the Gen-Xers. There was something about John’s mild manner and laid-back attitude that appealed to me. I liked him, and with all the pressure I was feeling to do well, his became the calming energy I needed.
    At first, except for occasional conversations about music we both liked, our involvement with each other was entirely work-related. This was my first time shooting in a single-camera format, and I needed someone watching the monitors to make sure I’d shot all I needed to edit the whole thing together. He became that right arm to me. If there was one thing I was insecure about, it was my camera coverage, and I needed his expertise to see me through that. But the vision was mine and the show had a great look to it.
    I felt very accomplished when we wrapped the pilot. It was a real growing experience and something I remain proud of. I returned to The Nanny, but I wasn’t the same. I’d learned I could do other things, do them well, and do them independent of Peter.

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    Thanksgiving
    N o v e m b e r 1 9 9 8
    peter and I returned from hiatus refreshed and renewed.
    We were both unsure where our relationship was heading, but it was the sixth season of The Nanny and we entered it filled with hope and promise. Physically, though, I still wasn’t myself. Other changes began to take place in addition to the staining and cramping, and it heightened my level of concern.
    I seemed to be bruising really easily. On the