Call Me Lumpy: My Leave It to Beaver Days and Other Wild Hollywood Life Read Online Free PDF

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My dad wanted me to have a "legitimate" job. To him, I was just hanging around with a bunch of no-account actors. My dad was pretty much a two-feet-on-the-ground kind of guy. My dad was not an idealist and he was not a dreamer.
I'm kind of a dreamer in some respects, but I'm also very pragmatic. When I got this call to do more "Beavers," it also seemed like a sound thing to do.
I went down to do the second show and this time when I walked in, it was like I was a long-lost relative.
"Hiya, Norman, how are you?" I said to Norman Tokar, the director.
"Fine, Frank, how are you?"
"Hey, where's Tony and Jerry?" I asked.
"Oh, they're in school."
I met Kenny on this show. He had been in one or two of the first six episodes. I was in the sixth and seventh.

 

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I also met Tiger Fafara, who played Tooey. And I met Buddy Hart, who played Chester. Judy Hensler was the girl with the pigtails who drove Beaver crazy. She was really obnoxious and good in her role.
Larry Mondello showed up about this time. Buddy Hart left pretty quickly and became one of the greatest stunt men in Hollywood. Then Tiger disappeared.
It was down to me and Kenny as the regulars.
Kenny and I were so thoroughly obnoxious that not only did we not disappear, we were workin' fools. Our entire show turned into Aesop's Fables. The show inevitably started off and the bad guys, Eddie and I, would lead Beaver and Wally astray. Beaver and Wally would find their way after talking to Ward and June. Eddie and I would be foiled and the good guys would win again.
Every week, Kenny and I, dutiful to our roles, totally screwed up Beaver, totally fucked up Wally.
That was our lot in life to booger them up and lead them down the wrong path. To illustrate the wrong way of doing things.
We were absolute idiots, morons.
And the bigger idiots and morons we became, the more we were drawn into the "Beaver" family.
I love these guys all dearly to this day.
To this day, I consider Barbara my second mother. She is the most wonderful, caring, thoughtful, kind, considerate person. She is America's mother.
This woman is more than she's cracked up to be.
Sometimes you'd hear people say, "Oh, she's so phony on the show . . . I mean, June and her pearls, nothing out of place, always perfect and all that."
She was just as she was depicted on the show. Only better.
First of all, she was flat-out gorgeous. Anyone who denies that needs a German Shepherd. Secondly, better than being flat-out gorgeous, she had a heart of gold.
She cared about everybody. She was so courteous it was sickening.
If we ever screwed up or did anything wrong around her, we felt so guilty. It was like doing something bad in front of the Pope. You didn't mess around in front of Barbara. You respected her.
You were just happy she's there.
If Kenny and I were spouting off, with our usual bad verbiage, she would go, "Boys. Boys."
That was it.
That's all she had to say.
If you flubbed a linewell, to tell the truth, we were pretty darn good and didn't flub manyshe was so good to you.
If there was a stranger who came in, who didn't know what he was

 

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doing, Barbara was kind and considerate, and tried to help them. If we had a strange directorwe didn't have manyBarbara tried to help them.
She cared so much about our crew, about her neighbors, about her family, about everyone.
I'm telling you right now, this woman's a friggin' saint.
I love her.
I actually went to school with her son, Glenn. He was a friend of mine in high school. He was a great guy. A year younger than I was. Big tall blond dude. Good athlete. Barbara was married at the time to Glenn Billingsley, who owned a chain of Golden Bull steakhouses. Later on, she married Dr. Mortenson. I know she was crazy about the guy.
We were just kids, but we knew Barbara was always there for us. If we had any problem, we felt like we could actually talk to her just like our real moms.
Hugh was the same way.
I respected Hugh Beaumont a lot. Hugh was a very, very