But I Love Him Read Online Free PDF Page B

street and begin the descent back toward town, toward Connor and his apartment. In the distance, the ocean sparkles under the full moon, until the clouds shift and blot out the light.
    I glance back one more time as my house disappears behind me. The house I grew up in, the house full of so much laughter.
    I don’t know what happiness feels like anymore.
    I am dead to it.
    June 12
    Nine Months, Thirteen days
    Today is graduation. I don’t know how I made it this far. I don’t know why they are giving me a diploma. But I’m proud, because I have done it. And I deserve it after this year.
    He’s out there somewhere. He’s proud of me too.
    But I still feel alone. I wonder if my mom knows the ceremony is today. I wonder what she would have said if I’d asked her to come.
    She would have been surprised, but I bet she would have liked it.
    My classmates surround me as I sit in this folding chair. They laugh and hug one another and talk about how much they will miss each other once they’re gone. And all I can think is that I have been gone for a long time, but none of them miss me.
    I know Abby is somewhere behind me, with the other R’s and S’s, and I can’t stop wondering if she’s looking at me. I can’t stop wondering if she even cares who I am anymore. I want to turn around and look for her. I want to turn around and look at her. But if she gives me the kind of look the rest of these people do, the look that says they forgot I even went here, it will kill me.
    I don’t look in Blake’s direction, either, though I can guess where he’s sitting in the sea of other purple graduation caps and gowns. I haven’t seen him since the street fair last week.
    Since the disaster last week.
    One of my classmates is standing at the microphone, blasting a pearly white smile at all of us. She’s talking about the future and possibilities and how we can dream of anything we want and it will become ours.
    That’s not true. For some people, their destinies are decided when they are little. For some people, they don’t get a chance at a future. They only get darkness and a stolen childhood. And it ruins everything, forever.
    It goes on for hours, or so it seems. Name after name. Flashbulbs and cheers. I wonder if they all think this is a big deal. I wonder if they think this is some life-changing moment, if it actually means anything at all.
    It doesn’t. It’s a piece of paper.
    When my row stands, I almost stay where I am. I’m not one of them anymore. It feels wrong to follow Veronica Masterson and Vic Mathews. I don’t belong here.
    When it’s my turn, I walk to the podium and reach out to take the roll of paper. The principal nods toward the camera guy and he takes our picture.
    I don’t smile.
    Just as I’m about to walk away, back to my seat, I see her.
    My mom. She’s staring at me with intense blue eyes. Her dark hair is spilling over her forehead, casting shadows on her face, but I know she’s looking right at me. We lock eyes. She’s here. I can’t believe she’s here. Watching me. Supporting me, like she once did from the stands at my track meets.
    I freeze. I have not spoken to her in at least a month, and it was a short, awkward phone call. She hasn’t tried calling since.
    We are strangers. And yet she’s here. That has to mean something. I have to mean something to her.
    The principal nudges me into motion and the moment is broken, and I walk away, but I can still feel her eyes on me, following me.
    Why is she here? Does she want to talk to me? Does she want to take me home, away from Connor?
    I want to get out of here. I don’t want her to find me afterwards and try to convince me to leave him. I don’t want to listen to that same conversation, over and over. I don’t want to defend myself and defend him. It takes too much out of me. Even I know my words sound empty and stupid and that I’ll never convince her.
    She’ll never understand him. She’ll never understand us. I hate the voice