Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why It Often Sucks in the City, or Who Are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me? Read Online Free PDF Page A

he’d be waving a black velvet-covered platter full of sssparkly thingsss at me. And it would have been rude not to try—and purchassse—at leassst one of them, right?
    Obviously, I don’t live my life like this anymore (a) because I can’t, and (b) because I like to think I have some small capacity for “learning.” I’ll be honest—I still dig buying stuff, but that’s mostly because at the nadir of our unemployment, purchasing anything other than dog food and toilet paper was a luxury. I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it’s Target, Trader Joe’s, and IKEA.
    After selling off the bulk of our nice stuff while out of work, we began to replenish our household at Target when things turned around. I don’t exactly know what happened to Target in the twenty years since I was a cashier there, but hot damn, have they changed! In 1985 I was mortified to get my off-to-college supplies at that stupid discount store. I remember grudgingly shoving a boring tan-and-brown comforter—the nicest-looking one they had—into my cart and then wanting to die a thousand deaths a week later when my adorable freshman roommate arrived with an equally adorable pastel tulip-sprigged Marimekko quilt.
    There were no coordinated goods when I worked at Target and Cynthia Rowley for damn sure had nothing to do with my ugly-ass bedding. Yet now when I stroll Target’s home department, there’s nothing but gorgeous, high-quality, low-priced styles as far as the eye can see. What’s your pleasure? The faded florals of shabby chic? Rich, shimmering jewel tones of the Far East? Nubby wools and flannels inspired by the North Woods? Any designer you’d prefer? Isaac Mizrahi? Michael Graves? Thomas O’Brien? Then step right up! Stripes? Plaids? Geometrics? Yeah, they’ve got it, and in every color, too. And don’t forget the matching rugs and bathroom accessories, like toothbrush holders, shower curtains, and towels.
    And can we please discuss their clothing? Twenty years ago I’d have rather stayed in and studied than gone to a party in anything with a Target label. And yet recently when shopping for a new mop I passed by their women’s section and saw a tan tapestry coat with a detachable fur collar. I tried the coat on and it fit as though I’d had it custom-made. As I had never seen outerwear this cute in my life, I forgot about the mop, threw the tapestry masterpiece in my basket, and made a mad dash for the checkout line, assuming the minute the rest of the female shoppers saw it, I’d have to fight them for it. None of the outerwear I bought at Bloomingdale’s ever garnered the compliments I’ve gotten on my $60 Target coat. 5
    Recently my Target added a Starbucks and started selling wine, pretty much cementing it as my favorite store on the face of this earth, and if ever asked what the one thing is I’d take with me to a desert island, I’d say Target, of course.
    That is, if I didn’t have to take their current staff with me.
    First, I have been a Target cashier, so I know that of which I speak. Although the merchandise has changed over the years, the basic exchange of goods for currency has not. Back when I worked there, we had no scanners. We had to key in every single bar code in order to check people out and we weren’t supposed to look at the cash register when we did it. 6 If you bought it, we bagged it, and God help us if we put your cookies anywhere near your motor oil. The managers who stood at the end of the conveyor helped us speed things along not by bagging but by loudly providing constructive criticism about every single one of our stupid mistakes.
    The managers in my store were particularly sadistic and would run time and motion studies on each of us cashiers, making wagers on who could process the most customers per hour. Then they’d place our scores up on the break room wall with our names on them and helpful motivational phrases, like “Ring faster, you loser!” Also, we had to dress