Brain Droppings Read Online Free PDF Page A

and
entertaining if you personalize it.
Me, I’m still waitin’ for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn’t
    hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. “Hell no, we ain’t 4§ evacuatin’. Ed’s comin’!”
Guess the white guy: Odell, Tyrone, Tremaine, and Sparky. Guess the black girl: Cathy, Joan, Peggy, and Vondella. First names can even suggest how tough you are. Who would you want on your side in a bar fight? Arnold, Seymour,
0Jasper, and Percy? Or Nitro, Hacksaw, Rhino, and Skull?
    And, guys, which women would you rather run into when you’re out drinking: Lillian, Priscilla, and Judith? Or Trixie, Bubbles, and Candy?
1The Kennedy family changed William Kennedy Smith’s
first name in order to influence the outcome of his rape trial.
They changed it from Willie to Will because guys named
Will hardly ever go to jail, while America’s prisons are chock
full of Willies. Will is all-American, Willie is … well, just
ask Michael Dukakis.
    22
    GEORGE CARLIN
Through all these years, I have kept alive my one rema}n_
6 ing childhood Catholic fantasy: I’m hoping that someday a
new pope will choose the name Corky. Just once in my \tf^ j
want to look up at that balcony and see His Holinessj Pope
Corky IX. I think you’d have to skip straight to nine 10 give
$ him a little credibility, don’t you? Somehow, Pope Coi-ky the
    First doesn’t command a great deal of authority.
KThat’s because some names are inappropriate in the wrong
settings. You won’t find many Schuyler Vanderpools t)iowin’
into a harmonica on death row; no one in need of brain
surgery is breakin’ down the door to see Dr. Lucky l4pSnitz;
and I’m sure only the most devoted aficionado wovjd pay
money to see a ballet dancer named Bruno McNulty.
0On the other hand, you’ll know that America has relaxed
its hopelessly tight asshole if we someday elect a pi-esident
named Booger. If we ever get a president named Booger,
Skeeter, T-Bone, or Downtown President Brown, you’ll know
that finally this country is a relaxed, comfortable place to live.
.The point is, there are emotional values that attach to
names; they carry psychological baggage. Just thinly of the Old West. I’m sure if Billy the Kid’s name had been ty[\\y the Schmuck, people wouldn’t have been afraid.
    “Who’s that ridin’ into town?”
^“Billy the Schmuck.”
“Oh. Well, fuck ‘im!”
    Would anyone have paid to see a Wild West shoiw if the star attraction was Buffalo Shecky?
    Using this approach, western movies would have been completely unbelievable:
    brain d r o p p i n g s
    “Hey, Shemp! Go get Sheriff Quackenbush, there’s gonna be trouble. Two-Gun Noodleman and Wild Bill Swackhammer are drunk, and they’re lookin’ for Deadeye Stoopnagle.”
    This also applies to the legendary criminals of the thirties. Do you think the police would’ve spent a lot of time looking ^ for Pretty Boy Heffleflekker?
    And what about Jack the Ripper? If his name had been K Wally, I don’t think people would have been afraid to walk the streets of London. Not if they thought Wally the Ripper was on the loose.
    “Who’s that? Wally who? Wally the Ripper? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Really? Wally the Ripper, indeed! Ha-ha-ha-ha!”
Religion presents an interesting situation. Jerry Falwell; it’s
0 simply an absurd name for a clergyman. The last person in the
world I’m going to believe has an inside track with God is some
guy named Jerry. Can you imagine the supreme being, in the
middle of the night, “Jerry! Wake up. I got some revelations.”
On the other hand, the founders of the major religions had
. names that seem quite suitable. There’s still a certain mystery
surrounding the names Buddha, Moses, and Mohammed. But
the poor Mormons. All they could come up with was Joseph
Smith. Not too impressive.
    “Listen, Caleb, we got a new religion. You wanna join?”
^“Who started it?”
“Joe Smith.”
“See ya later.”
    You can’t blame him. I wouldn’t follow a guy named Joe Smith halfway across a