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the course too much to notice Frank was toiling.
    Unfortunately for me, the two of us had been paired up and you had to sit the exams together. The night before the exam I suggested we go over a few things and Frank got a bit nervous. Then I started testing him and he folded like a pack of cards. He was crying and kind of hitting himself quite hard in the legs and calling himself stupid and saying he was hopeless and all this.
    I have to say I didn’t handle it brilliantly. For the first hour or two I was largely agreeing with him and suggesting other things he should call himself and other places he should hit himself. Then I realised that he was going to take me down with him and I suppose seeing any man like that does something to you, so I told Frank to pull himself together and we started revising. We were up most of the night and even on the bus to the training centre I was showing him knots.
    Alf Whicker got everyone together and explained the process. The On Land Exam was one day and if you passed you got to do the Open Water Exam the next day at the Monikie Reservoir. If you passed that you were in, you got your uniform and you were off to the High Seas. ‘And you know what happens there, don’t you, lads?” said Alf Whicker and gave one of those winks that weather forecasters do when they want you to know they’re really talking about sex.
    First up was the maps and I managed to sneak Frank a look at my sheet so we got through that OK. Then was the parts of boats which I had written right up Frank’s arm and he managed to not make it too obvious he was looking. Then came the knots and Alf Whicker announced we all had to do a reverse rolling hitch double bend which, as some of you might know, is the Hitler of the knot world. It’s an absolute bugger of a thing to do and it took me a good while to get mine together. By the time I turned round to help Frank it was all too late.
    To this day I don’t know how he managed to do what he’d done. The rope was in these big wild loops on the floor and then all over Frank. He’d got one of his feet tied up near his arse, his other leg had the rope wrapped round his knee and then his upper body was twisted to the side because the rope was round his neck. He was sweating badly, possibly because of the pressure of the exam or possibly because of the rope round his neck and was kind of whispering, ‘Help me, Bob, Jesus, Bob, help me,’ over and over again.
    Before I could sort it out Alf Whicker shouted ‘You!’ and marched over to Frank. I was already starting to pack up my things and Frank, surprise surprise, had already started to cry when Alf Whicker asked ‘When did you go to Tahiti?’
    It turned out that Frank had tied an arrangement that was an exact replica of something used by dolphin fishermen in Tahiti. Whicker told us they tied themselves like that so they’re not thrown off their canoes when they hook a dolphin and that it had taken him two months to learn how to tie the knot himself. Frank was gibbering away, and his leg was clearly losing circulation, so I cleverly stepped in and said that Frank and I had learnt it together from a fisherman in Arbroath.
    Alf looked at us both, said he’d never been prouder, and that he’d see us tomorrow at Monikie Reservoir. What a moment. Frank and I were singing on the bus home that night and the next day we rolled up at Monikie, one day away from joining the Merchant Navy.
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    19 OK, disregard all previous references to the television presenter Alan Whicker. Bob was indeed referring to an Alf Whicker.
    20 I think Bob is referring to the television presenter Alan Whicker.

8
Not Joining the Merchant Navy
    One day, that’s all we had to do. One day and we’d be in the Merchant Navy. Christ, even now I get hot and bothered thinking about that day at Monikie. I go up there sometimes, for a nice walk with skirt or to have a wee