Blessings Read Online Free PDF Page B

sank to the floor and leaned against the desk for support.
    “Yes, she has a family, a very good one. But she wants to know you. Isn’t it natural for her to want to know who you are?” The voice was quiet and reasonable.
    “No! No! It’s over, it’s ancient history. Everything was settled. When things are settled, leave them alone. I couldn’t have taken care of her then! You don’t know what it was like! I had to give her away. I—”
    “No one is saying a word about that, Miss Rakowsky, it’s well understood. We’re all professionals here, psychologists and social workers, and we do understand. I understand you. Believe me, I do.”
    Sweat poured on Jennie’s palms and all over her body. The sweat, the racing heart, and the weakness in her legs were terrifying in themselves. She had to pull herself together, had to; she couldn’t collapse here, have a heart attack alone—
    “Jill is a delightful young woman, very intelligent,” the voice coaxed. “You would—”
    “No, I said! There’s no sense in it! We can’t just—just start up after nineteen years. Oh, please!” Now she wept. “Please tell her it’s impossible. Tell her to be happy and to leave me alone. Forget this. It’s better for her the way it is. I know it’s better. Please. For God’s sake, go away and leave me alone! Oh, please!”
    “Miss Rakowsky, I won’t bother you anymore now. Take a few days to think it over. I believe, if you try, you’ll understand it’s not such a bad thing, not a tragedy. I’ll talk to you again.”
    “No! I don’t want to talk to you again. I—”
    The connection was broken.
    She laid her head back against the desk, holding the dead phone in her lap. Her heart still hammered so fiercely that she could hear it in her ears.
    “Oh, my God!” she said aloud. “Oh, my God!” She closed her eyes and put her head down between her knees.
    “I’m going to vomit, I’m going to faint. …”
    When she opened her eyes, the pattern on the big chair was spinning. Brown, white, and black circles, squares, dots, and stars flickered and flashed. She closed her eyes again, squeezing the lids against the eyeballs.
    All these years. I didn’t want to remember her. I had to forget her, didn’t I? And sometimes I did forget her. But other times? I don’t dare think of the other times …
    “Don’t you see?” she cried out into the silent room, cried out to no one, to everyone, to the world, the fates. “Don’t you see?
    “Oh, my God …” she sobbed. With her hands over her face, she rocked and sobbed.
    After a long while then, her mind began to click. She summoned it now, the little machine in her head, to take control lest she fly apart and scatter in broken pieces.
    Think, Jennie. You can’t afford to panic. There’s an intelligent way of handling everything, isn’t there? You always tell other people so. Now tell yourself. Think.
    The phone rang again. Muffled in the folds of her bathrobe, it sounded far away.
    “You didn’t call me,” Jay said.
    She went blank. “Call?”
    “Your line was busy.”
    “Yes, it was a client.”
    “Must they bother you on Sunday too?”
    “Well, it happens sometimes.” She began to babble. “The landlord’s been harassing the woman. It’s awful. And Shirley was here, so I couldn’t use the phone, anyway. She just left this minute. I couldn’t get rid of her.”
    Jay laughed. “She’ll miss you, that one. Oh, wasn’t this a perfect day? I’m just sitting here thinking about it.”
    “A perfect weekend. Yes, it was.”
    “We still haven’t gotten your ring. Can I pin you down one afternoon this week?”
    How can I just suddenly produce a child? If I had told him the first day—
    He spoke again, interrupting her thoughts. “We’ll go to Cartier’s. It won’t take long.”
    “Jay, I don’t need such an expensive ring. Really I don’t.”
    “Jennie, don’t be a nuisance, will you? Don’t argue with me. Go to sleep. I’m half asleep already.