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included allegations of voodoo. The historian Kevin Phillips said in a
Washington Post
story on Neil, “He’s incorrigible. He seems to be crawling through the underbelly of crony capitalism.”
Ah … Caligula
    I bet you were wondering when I’d get to this guy. Of all the crazy rulers throughout history, Caligula’s the one who set the bar so high for all the other mentally unstable monarchs, dictators, and presidents out there. Caligula ruled the Roman Empire from 37–41 CE, which isn’t a long time to get your crazy on, but he worked quickly as he took Rome on a wild ride, until his own bodyguards finally had the good sense to assassinate him.
    He rose to the throne amidst the usual political maneuvering and bloodletting and was widely hailed at first as “our star.” The ancient historian Philo describes the first seven months of Caligula’s reign as “completely blissful.” He granted bonuses to the troops, recalled political exiles, threw gladiator battles for the populace, and even focused his attention on political reform. Then something happened. Some historians say he had a brain fever. Others argue that Caligula, much like his distant cousin Alexander the Great, suffered from epilepsy, and that after an unusually violent attack, Caligula was a changed man. Here’s an incomplete list of some of the crazy and cruel actions attributed to Caligula:
    Accused his father-in-law, Gaius Silanus, and Gemellus, grandson of the previous emperor, of treason and forced them to commit suicide.
    Kept his favorite horse, Incitatus, inside the palace in a stable carved out of ivory. He threw parties in the horse’s name and the horse dined with the guests. His attempts to install his horse as a priest and consultant are usually seen today as attempts at humor and mockery.
    Had hundreds of ships tied together to make a nearly three-mile temporary floating bridge so he could ride across the Bay of Naples on horseback, which he did for two straight days. Why? Supposedly as a child, a seer said he had no more chance of becoming emperor than of crossing the bay of Baiae on horseback. He showed them!
    Announced he was a god and ordered the building of temples and statues in his honor. He sought to force the Jews to worship him and even ordered statues of himself to be placed in the Temple of Jerusalem. (These plans were wisely never carried out.) He was known to dress up as Apollo, Mercury, and even Venus.
    Opened a brothel in the imperial palace.
    Used spectators as lion bait when the games he was throwing ran out of criminals. Five rows of fans were pulled into the arena and devoured.
    Declared war on Poseidon, god of the ocean, and brought back chests full of worthless seashells as booty.
    Beat a citizen who insulted him with a heavy chain—every day for three months. He only stopped because the man had become so gangrenous that he smelled horribly. So Caligula had him beheaded.
    Tortured countless people. He was partial to sawing people by filleting them at the spine. Or he’d restrain a prisoner upside down and chew on his testicles while the prisoner was still in ownership of them.
    Most likely committed incest with all three of his sisters. When one of his sisters died, he had her deified.
    SIDE NOTE: Caligula, whose real name was Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, was nicknamed “Caligula” as a baby by Roman soldiers. His father, the general Germanicus, would take the young boy with him on military campaigns and dress him up in a miniature soldier’s uniform. The soldiers called him “little soldier’s boot,” or Caligula.
An Emperor’s Appetite
    Justin II, Byzantine Emperor from 565–578 CE, had a lot on his plate. War (most of it disastrous for his empire), political restlessness, and financial ruin finally took a toll on Justin, and he cracked. Before abdicating the throne, he had taken to biting his attendants while being pulled through his palace on a wheeled throne. In fact, rumor has it he