Bite Me Read Online Free PDF Page A

no idea what his girlfriend, Abby, was talking about, and it wasn’t the first time. In fact, much of the time he had no idea what she was talking about, but he had learned if he was patient, and listened, and more important, agreed with her, she would mercilessly sex him up, which he liked quite a bit, and occasionally he got the message. He used the same strategy with his maternal grandmother (without the sexing-up part), who spoke an obscure, country dialect of Cantonese, that sounded to the uninitiated like someone beating a chicken to death with a banjo. Just wait, and all would become clear. This time, however, Abby, whose tone ran from tragically romantic to passionately dismissive, was sounding much more urgent, and the patience gambit wasn’t going to work. Her voice in his Bluetooth headset was like having a malevolent fairy bite his ear.
    “I’m in the middle of something, Abby. I’ll be home as soon as I finish up here.”
    “Now, Foo. There’s a herd, or flock, or a—what do you call a bunch of kitties?”
    “A box?” Foo offered.
    “Fucktard!”
    “A fucktard of kitties? Okay, sure, that could be it. A pride of lions, a murder of crows…”
    “No. You fucktard! There’s a bunch of vampire kitties about to eat that crazy Emperor guy and his dogs right outside on the street. You need to come save them.”
    “A bunch?” Steve was having a hard time getting his head around the idea. He’d only recently gotten his head around the idea of one vampire cat, but a bunch, well, that was more. He was just a couple of months away from having his master’s in biochem at age twenty-one—he wasn’t a fucktard. “Define a bunch,” he said.
    “Many. I can’t count them because they’re stalking the golden retriever.”
    “And how do you know they’re vampire kitties?”
    “Oh, because I drew blood samples from them, ran it in that centrifuge thingy of yours, prepared some slides, and looked at the blood cell structure under a microscope, duh?”
    “No, really,” he said. She was flunking high school biology, there’s no way she prepared blood slides. And besides—
    “Of course not, you douche nozzle, I know they’re vampires because they’re stalking a golden retriever and a homeless fuck who’s hiding in the vaporized meter maid’s cart. That’s not standard kitty behavior.”
    “Vaporized meter maid?”
    “The one Chet ate—sucked her to dust. Come now, Foo,turn your sunbeam full-on and get your luscious ninja ass over here.” Steve had rigged the hatchback of his tricked-out Honda Civic with high intensity UV floodlights, which he’d used to flash fry a number of vampires, thus saving Abby and, for the first time in his life, having a girlfriend and someone who thought he was cool.
    “I can’t come right away, Abby. The sun lights aren’t in the car.”
    “Oh my fucking God, there’s some little old guy with a cane coming out of the alley. Well, he’s toast. Fuck!”
    “What?”
    “Fuck!”
    “What?”
    “Oh fuck!”
    “What? What? What?”
    “Oh-my-fucking-god-ponies-on-a-stick!”
    “Abby, you need to be more specific.”
    “It’s not a cane, Foo, it’s a sword.”
    “What?”
    “Come now, Foo. Bring the sun.”
    “I can’t, Abby. My car is full of rats.”
    THE EMPEROR
    The Emperor watched in horror as the cats leapt onto the back of his noble captain, Lazarus. The golden retriever shook himself violently, dislodging two of the fiends, but they were replaced by two more, and three more leapt ontop of them, nearly bringing Lazarus to the ground. But they weren’t pack hunters, and as each maneuvered for the throat, another attacker was pushed off, his claws shredding both predator and prey as he fell.
    Blood splattered the windscreen of the police cart. Bummer bounced around inside the tiny cabin, barking and snorting, and throwing himself against the glass, covering everything with angry dog slobber.
    “Run, Lazarus, run!” The Emperor pounded on the glass,