height, hand-span or foot size are in any way linked to penis size, which is great because you can’t change any of those things anyway.
There are SLIGHT variations in average penis size of different ethnic groups. Suggesting so publicly could well earn you a black eye.
----
’ROID RAGE
B eware genies in bottles and men with magic wands. Injecting steroids or growth hormones to bulk up like some inflated, life-size action figure has SERIOUS side effects. For one, your testicles will SHRIVEL UP AND DIE and you’ll also be at risk of depression and heart and liver disease. For God’s sake, just DON’T.
NIP/TUCK
I t would be pointless to deny we live in an unequal society. For some of us, we don’t have to make do with the body we’ve been given because we can pay doctors to change it. This is ‘plastic’ or ‘cosmetic’ surgery.
Now while doctors can make bits bigger or smaller, shiny adverts in glossy magazines don’t show you the scars, the agonising surgical procedures, astronomical cost or lengthy recovery periods. There’s no such thing as a quick fix.
Furthermore, surgery can be a slippery slope. Look at pictures of celebrities who’ve gone too far. You know who I mean. They look like lumpy pieces of elastic stretched over a Mr Potato Head ® . Personally, I think any surgical procedure that’s purely for the sake of vanity rather than a legitimate, medical reason is far riskier than learning to love what you already have.
CLOTHES MAKETH THE MAN
I f you haven’t skipped this section based on its title, well done, because clothes are more important than you might think.
Partners don’t want a fashion disaster on their arm let alone their genitals. Shallow but true.
I believe clothes are linked to your self-esteem. Wearing drab ‘manoflage’ advertises a lack of confidence in yourself. Like you don’t want to be noticed. The only reason you wouldn’t want to be noticed is that you don’t feel worth noticing. And that’s just bollocks. Let’s address that.
As fun as it might be, I cannot individually come shopping with all of you. However, there are a few basic rules that should see you looking hot-to-trot.
Always wear clothes that fit: Whatever your size, wearing clothes that are too big or too small will only highlight your body in all the wrong ways. And really only you know what size the tag says, so it doesn’t really matter now, does it?
Do not blindly follow trends: Far, far more important than fashion is fit. Wearing spray-on skinny jeans might well be ‘rockstar’, but if you don’t have the body for it, you could look like a HUMAN MADE OUT OF SAUSAGES. Why would you do that to yourself? Work out your proportions.
CREATE A CAPSULE WARDROBE:
I nstead of being concerned about which label you’re wearing, I’d advocate buying a series of stylish essentials that you can mix and match over and over.
YOU WILL NEED:
Two or three pairs of jeans. Jeans are ALWAYS in fashion. ALWAYS. Avoid jeans ‘of the moment’ i.e. with trendy embellishments, as these date FAST.
Dozens of plain cotton round neck t-shirts
Cotton shirts (patterned and plain)
Knee length shorts (denim or otherwise)
Wool or wool-mix jumpers: V-Neck and round neck
A smart outfit/suit in case someone gets married/dies
One pair of smart shoes
One pair of casual shoes
Lightweight summer jacket
Smart winter coat
Undies, obviously
There. How easy is that?
That doesn’t look like a lot, but with those things you can make about a hundred looks. The fun part is LAYERING. So you start with your jeans and t-shirt. Put a shirt over the t-shirt. BAM! If you’re carrying a little weight around your middle there are now parallel lines cutting through your thickest section. If you’re slender, do the same but leave the buttons undone to your chest to make you look broader. WOO!
Fashion really is about creating illusion – drawing attention away from your dodgy bits and focusing on your best bits. Above all, wear what you
There are SLIGHT variations in average penis size of different ethnic groups. Suggesting so publicly could well earn you a black eye.
----
’ROID RAGE
B eware genies in bottles and men with magic wands. Injecting steroids or growth hormones to bulk up like some inflated, life-size action figure has SERIOUS side effects. For one, your testicles will SHRIVEL UP AND DIE and you’ll also be at risk of depression and heart and liver disease. For God’s sake, just DON’T.
NIP/TUCK
I t would be pointless to deny we live in an unequal society. For some of us, we don’t have to make do with the body we’ve been given because we can pay doctors to change it. This is ‘plastic’ or ‘cosmetic’ surgery.
Now while doctors can make bits bigger or smaller, shiny adverts in glossy magazines don’t show you the scars, the agonising surgical procedures, astronomical cost or lengthy recovery periods. There’s no such thing as a quick fix.
Furthermore, surgery can be a slippery slope. Look at pictures of celebrities who’ve gone too far. You know who I mean. They look like lumpy pieces of elastic stretched over a Mr Potato Head ® . Personally, I think any surgical procedure that’s purely for the sake of vanity rather than a legitimate, medical reason is far riskier than learning to love what you already have.
CLOTHES MAKETH THE MAN
I f you haven’t skipped this section based on its title, well done, because clothes are more important than you might think.
Partners don’t want a fashion disaster on their arm let alone their genitals. Shallow but true.
I believe clothes are linked to your self-esteem. Wearing drab ‘manoflage’ advertises a lack of confidence in yourself. Like you don’t want to be noticed. The only reason you wouldn’t want to be noticed is that you don’t feel worth noticing. And that’s just bollocks. Let’s address that.
As fun as it might be, I cannot individually come shopping with all of you. However, there are a few basic rules that should see you looking hot-to-trot.
Always wear clothes that fit: Whatever your size, wearing clothes that are too big or too small will only highlight your body in all the wrong ways. And really only you know what size the tag says, so it doesn’t really matter now, does it?
Do not blindly follow trends: Far, far more important than fashion is fit. Wearing spray-on skinny jeans might well be ‘rockstar’, but if you don’t have the body for it, you could look like a HUMAN MADE OUT OF SAUSAGES. Why would you do that to yourself? Work out your proportions.
CREATE A CAPSULE WARDROBE:
I nstead of being concerned about which label you’re wearing, I’d advocate buying a series of stylish essentials that you can mix and match over and over.
YOU WILL NEED:
Two or three pairs of jeans. Jeans are ALWAYS in fashion. ALWAYS. Avoid jeans ‘of the moment’ i.e. with trendy embellishments, as these date FAST.
Dozens of plain cotton round neck t-shirts
Cotton shirts (patterned and plain)
Knee length shorts (denim or otherwise)
Wool or wool-mix jumpers: V-Neck and round neck
A smart outfit/suit in case someone gets married/dies
One pair of smart shoes
One pair of casual shoes
Lightweight summer jacket
Smart winter coat
Undies, obviously
There. How easy is that?
That doesn’t look like a lot, but with those things you can make about a hundred looks. The fun part is LAYERING. So you start with your jeans and t-shirt. Put a shirt over the t-shirt. BAM! If you’re carrying a little weight around your middle there are now parallel lines cutting through your thickest section. If you’re slender, do the same but leave the buttons undone to your chest to make you look broader. WOO!
Fashion really is about creating illusion – drawing attention away from your dodgy bits and focusing on your best bits. Above all, wear what you
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