Beebo Brinker Chronicles 3 - Women In The Shadows Read Online Free PDF Page B

herself trembling all over. She got up before Laura was awake and, taking Nix with her into the kitchen, she poured herself a shot. She was ashamed of this new little habit she was acquiring. She hadn't told anybody about it, not even Jack. Just one drink in the morning. Just one. Never more. It made her hands steady. It made the day look brighter and not quite so endless. It made her situation with Laura look hopeful.
    She took the hot and satisfying amber liquid straight, letting it burn her tight throat and ease her. Then she washed out the shot glass and returned it to the shelf with the bottle.
    "Nix,” she said softly to the little dog, “I'm a bad girl. Your Beebo is a wicked bitch, Nix. Do you think anybody cares? Do you think it matters? What the hell good is it to be a bad little girl if nobody notices you? What fun is it then? Shall I have another shot, Nix? Nobody's looking."
    He whimpered a little, watching her with puddle-bright eyes, and made her laugh. “You care, don't you, little dog?” She leaned down and picked him up. “You care, anyway. You're telling me not to be an ass and let myself in for a lot of trouble. And you're right. Absolutely."
    She sat down on a kitchen chair and sighed. “You know, if the loved me, Nix, I wouldn't have to do it. You know that, don't you? Sure you do. You're the only one who does. Every body else thinks I'm just turning into an old souse. But it's not true. It's because of Laura, you know that as well as I do. She makes me so miserable. She has my life in her hands, Nix.” She laughed a little. “You know, that's kind of frightening. I wish I knew if she was on my side or not."
    There was a moment when she thought she would cry and she dumped Nix off her lap and quickly poured herself one more shot. It went down easier than number one, but she washed the shot glass out as before and put it and the bottle back on the shelf as if to tell herself: That's all, that's enough.
    Beebo turned and smiled at Nix. “Now look at me,” she said. “I'm more sober than when I'm really sober. My hands have quit shaking. And I'm not going to quarrel with her when she gets up. I'm going to say something nice. Come here, dog. Help me think of something....
    "I'd sell my soul to be an honest-to-god male. I could marry Laura! I could marry her. Give her my name. Give her kids ... oh, wouldn't that be lovely? So lovely.... “Jack's desire for a child didn't seem grotesque to her at all any more.
    "But Nix,” she went on, and her face fell, “she wouldn't have me. My baby is gay, like me. She wants a woman. Would God she wanted me. But a woman, all the same. She'd never take a man for a mate."
    She felt the vile tears sneaking up on her again and shook her head hard. “She couldn't take that, Nix. It'd be even worse than—than living with me.” And she gave a hard laugh.
    Beebo heard the bedroom door open and she dropped Nix and went to the icebox. Within moments Laura entered the kitchen.
    "'Morning,” she said.
    "Good morning, Madam Queen. What'll it be?"
    "Soft boiled egg, please. Have to hurry, I'll be late to work.” She had a job in a tourist trap over on Greenwich Avenue, where they sold sandals and earrings and trinkets.
    Beebo busied herself with the eggs and Laura poured orange juice and opened the paper. She buried herself in it, moving just a little to let Beebo put her plate down in front of her. Beebo sat down opposite her and ate in silence for a minute, eating very little. She lighted a cigarette after a few minutes and sipped cautiously at her hot coffee.
    "Laura?” she said.
    "Hm?"
    "Even in the morning, with your hair up and your nose in the paper and your eyes looking everywhere but at me ... I love you, Laura.” She said it slowly, composing it as she went and smiling a little at the effect. The liquor had loosened her up.
    "What?” said Laura, her eyes following a story and her ears deaf.
    "I have a surprise for you, Bo-peep,” Beebo tried again.
    "Oh.