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lie here but that is because of what has just happened. I need sleep. I’m sweating andexhausted and the pain is beating inside my skull it is clawing at me trying to break free. I almost feel like I have relapsed. But it was worth it. Because today I found what I went looking for.
    Let me go back. Six days ago I think it was six days ago I woke with what I supposed was the morning light. I got up slowly and eased my stiff body out of bed. I still seized up in my sleep and I still felt like a corpse every morning. I walked around the room a couple of times and I began to unwind. Then I walked to the stove and lit a fire to make tea. I went over to the door and opened it and hobbled stiffly out into the yard as I did every morning. The pain down the left side of my body was still constant. My knee bent in the wrong direction but at least it bent now. I thought my ribs must be healing. At any rate I was still alive. I stood in the yard and I faced the four directions in turn. The sky was still white it was still hot and the ash trees were silent. Above the farmyard loomed the great brown slopes of a moor. Some mornings I would stand in the yard and look up at the moor and feel it was my protector. Other mornings I would feel it was my jailer. Some days I refused to look at it at all.
    The moor was an enemy this morning. It was watching me whether I stood in the yard or hid inside myroom and closed the door. It was a great presence which held me down and I would not be held down anymore. I had been in this small world for so long circling the table circling the yard drinking sitting walking up and down. Everything was white and split apart and nothing was known. For me to be here. I could not stay here a moment longer. I had to go. Broken in this broken place I had to walk into the whiteness. I needed to see beyond. I needed answers I wanted words put to shapes I wanted a history. I wanted to name this place and all the things in it. It was enough now. There could be no more.
    I decided I would walk away. I would walk to the town. I was sure there was a town somewhere and that it was not so far I felt I remembered this and I thought that maybe I knew how to reach it. I felt that if I left and headed down the track and just kept walking then my body would remember where to go. When I got to the town I felt that something would happen. There would be answers there. Things would become clear in the town there would be other people and questions could be asked. I would see familiar things for I had been to the town before I was sure of that. There were images there were notions of it. This place now it was caging me it was tightening around me there was no breathing here. Something would happen in the town.And even if there were no town even if I got lost on the moor then at least I would be away from here. At least things would open up and begin to happen again.
    I went back inside and made tea and drank it slowly. I ate the last of the very stale bread. The chocolate had run out weeks ago but I hadn’t been hungry recently I just wanted to drink. My body craved water. I drank some and took the last of the painkillers. My headache ebbed and flowed but it never went away. Then I packed a jacket and a bottle of water into a rucksack that had been hanging above the bed and I strapped my boots on slowly and painfully. I couldn’t tie my left boot tightly. I picked up the stick that I’d used as a splint and I walked out of the door into the whiteness.
    Everything was white. It wasn’t just the sky everything was white and new and washed clean. A new energy flooded through me new life came into me as I moved as I headed for the beyond. I went out through the farm gate and closed it and made my way slowly down the track outside. The muggy white heat pressed in on me as I walked. I stopped within a few hundred yards and took my shirt off and walked in my T-shirt. I continued downhill along the track. This was a test for me. I felt it