Barmy Britain Read Online Free PDF Page B

British builder’s mug of tea is as much a part of his tools of the trade as his shovel or electric drill. Tony Aldous, of London, told the Guardian of the days when he worked on a building site:
    ‘A galvanised bucket of dubious cleanliness was half filled from a hosepipe and a packet of tea, half a packet of sugar and a tin of condensed milk was added and then brought to the boil. ‘A matter of taste,’ said Mr Aldous, ‘but it certainly laid the dust’.
    Guardian
    Great Britain, once epitomised by the stiff upper lip, modesty and minding your own business, has been replaced by a land of burger-eating binge drinkers, pornography addicts and followers of so-called celebrities. The 2007 Lonely Planet guide says:
More Britons vote in TV talent shows than in elections.
Sherwood Forest now has more tourists than trees.
Rudeness and lack of generosity tarnish Britons.
They have a poor dress sense and are noisy, untidy and are miserly tippers.
Without doubt you can find great food in Britain… It’s just that not all Brits seem to like eating it.
    The Times
    Britons have voted Stonehenge the most disappointing tourist spectacle in the UK. Also on the list are:
Blackpool Tower
Land’s End
Diana’s Memorial Fountain
The London Eye
Buckingham Palace
White Cliffs of Dover
Big Ben
    The problem might be that people come to the most well known sights with expectations already raised too high – and an unrealistic desire to see them minus the crowds.
    Guardian
    In August 2007 Southwold on the Sussex coast was named in a survey as the quintessential British holiday resort. The survey looked at factors that people thought made resorts uniquely British and Southwold topped the poll because of its traditional beach huts, its large choice of fish and chip shops, a working lighthouse, donkey rides, plenty of deckchairs, amusement arcades, scenic countryside – and rude postcards.
    The availability of fish and chips was considered the most important factor.
    Daily Telegraph
    David Joss Buckley, of London, didn’t think much of August 2007, and wrote to the Guardian:
    ‘South London, August 21. First hot-water bottle of the year. Is this a record?’
    Guardian
    Ralph Hawkins, of Ware, Hertfordshire, wrote how he met tea made by the method described by Mr Aldous when on his first guard duty on national service. Kept hot on the stove all night it became the colour of dark mahogany ‘with a taste all its own’. The guard commander called it ‘desert tea – without the sand’.
    Guardian
    August 2007 was a wicked month. Wet, cold, windy. 80 coaches brought 5,000 French people to Margate, Kent, for ‘a taste of the real England’. They were greeted by ‘gunmetal skies, horizontal winds and a blattering drizzle to sample the traditional British seaside pursuits of huddling in bus shelters and picking sand from their sandwiches.’
    The Guardia n printed a picture of French visitors sitting on towels on the damp sand underneath a sign which said: ‘Welcome to Margate’s Main Sands. Deckchairs and Sunbeds for your Pleasure and Leisure’.
    Roger Latchford, deputy leader of the local council, said: ‘I did a sun dance with our events team. Regrettably it doesn’t seem to have worked.’
    Guardian
    The Daily Telegrap h gathered together some definitions of a British gentleman:
A man who still uses the butter knife even when dining alone.
A man who has never previously heard your joke.
A man who believes a woman when he knows she is telling lies.
A man who can play the bagpipes but doesn’t.
    Daily Telegraph
    Following stories that more and more Brits are leaving to live abroad, the Daily Telegraph published Thirty Reasons to Stay in Britain. Reason number one was that there is never a problem getting a Polish plumber, followed by:
You can’t get a decent chicken tikka masala anywhere else.
A day at Lord’s, the most civilised sporting venue in the world.
Cheese rolling in Gloucestershire. Bog snorkelling in Wales. Barrel burning