Barmy Britain Read Online Free PDF

February 2008 a small addition was made to England’s treasury of listed buildings – a rare surviving example of a late 18th century privy, even rarer because it is a three-seater where parents and child ‘could sit down peacefully together and let nature take its course’. It is in the grounds of an old farmhouse in Kent and the proud owner says: ‘It faces towards the evening sun and is the most delightful place to sit with a glass of wine and the door open, and just be peaceful and sit and think’.
    Guardian
    The report of the three-seat privy reminded David Critchlow, of Poole, Dorset, of the time he stopped at a cottage in Cornwall so that a friend could relieve herself. The elderly woman owner told her where the privy was and said: ‘Do mind out for the chicken’. When the friend opened the door the chicken was nesting on the second hole.
    Guardian
    Only a third of Britons would mind missing the Queen’s Christmas speech. 62% would not mind if the Trooping of the Colour disappeared.
    But fewer than a third would give up Sunday lunch or beer in pints, and 85% would not surrender days out at the seaside.
    YouGov survey in the Daily Mail

    ‘This country is a blessed nation. The British are special, the world knows it. This is the greatest nation on Earth.’ (Tony Blair’s exit speech, 10 May 2007.) Next day the Guardian asked: ‘Are we the greatest?’, and listed some areas where we excel:
38.1% of British 15-year-olds have had sex – the highest figure in the developed world.
British house price inflation is higher than any other developed nation.
Haydn Pitchforth, of Leeds, is world champion bog snorkeller.
    Guardian
    How could Hitler ever have made the mistake of thinking that he could conquer this blessed nation? On 14 May 1940 the Manchester Guardian (as it then was) reported Churchill’s ‘I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat’ speech.
    It also carried an article that dealt with another pressing matter indicating the gravity of the sacrifices facing a nation in peril. People, it said, can affect an economy by doing without a maid – making her services available for more essential work.
    Guardian
    And Kaiser Wilhelm was surely foolish to ignore this admonition: ‘We give this solemn warning to the Kaiser: The Skibereen Eagle has its eye on you’.
    The Skibereen Eagle quoted in The Times
    A Daily Telegraph reader was invited to a wedding in Salzburg which required guests to turn up in national costume. He asked for advice and got this from Richard Woodward of Nottingham:
Develop an enormous beer gut and a bright pink suntan.
Wear a beer stained England football shirt.
Behave boorishly.
Chant futile songs and demand to know where the nearest kebab shop is.
    Alan Wright, of Bristol, said that the choice of national costume should comprise knotted handkerchief, white shirt with rolled up sleeves, grey flannels supported by braces, and sandals with socks.
    Daily Telegraph
    A survey reveals that Britons have collectively wasted £169 billion buying things they never wear or hardly ever use. The average person has squandered £3,685 on pointless purchases. Half admit to having expensive clothing they never wear, 35% have a pair of unworn shoes, and 35% are members of a gym they never attend.
    Daily Telegraph
    The British take their traditions seriously – and dangerously. The annual cheese rolling tradition takes place on Cooper’s Hill, near Stroud, which has, in places, a one-in-three gradient. Participants hurl themselves after huge, wheel-shaped Double Gloucester Cheeses, and spectators gasp at the speed of the races and the violence of the tumbles. The cheeses sometimes veer into the crowd as they hurtle down the steep hill.
     The Times headline on the 2007 event was:
    C HEESE R OLLERS G ET O FF L IGHTLY . O NLY 20 H URT
    The organiser commented: ‘Last year it was almost double that. Some would like to see it stopped, but it’s a British tradition.’
    The Times
    The