Barbara the Slut and Other People Read Online Free PDF Page B

you think stretchy clothes that cost more than a nice steak and a bottle of wine are sporting goods.
    I looked at the men’s clothes. When I got to the back of the store Beth was freaking out about some underwear. The girl who was helping her was looking through a rack of bras and Beth was jumping up and down.
    “These bras and shorts are special for hot yoga,” she said.
    “Those are shorts?”
    “Oh my god, I’m so excited.” She took a bunch of things back to the dressing room.
    I sat in the most comfortable chair ever.
    “What kind of chair is this?” I asked a different girl, who was putting hangers on clothes at a table.
    “What?” When she turned around I realized she was gorgeous. She had huge blue eyes and she was tiny. She looked like a little elf but without pointy ears and with a really nice body. The stretchy clothes fit her like a dream.
    “Never mind,” I said. “It doesn’t matter.”
    “What kind of chair is it? Do you want me to find out?” She had a killer smile, her teeth were perfect.
    “No, that’s okay,” I said. “I don’t know why I said that. I don’t need a chair.” I smiled at her.
    “Jason?” said Beth. “Do you want to see this stuff or not?”
    “Uh,” I said.
    “I love love love this stuff.” She opened the dressing room door and came out wearing a bra and the so-called shorts.
    “Please tell me you don’t go to yoga like that,” I said.
    Beth’s hair was coming out of the sides of the underwear. There was a lot of it. Once we reached the point where no amount of information was too much information, except any information about me having sex with Tiffany, Beth told me that the place she went to get waxed charged her extra. I mean I used to see her in underwear all the time. But now it was at eye level. It was not a good surprise. And it caused some involuntary stirring, which made everything worse.
    “Of course I do.” She stuck her tongue out and let it hang there. She turned around and went back into the room.
    “Tell your girlfriend I’ll be right back if she needs another size,” said the beautiful elf.
    I started to say, “She’s not my girlfriend,” but only got as far as “Sh—”
    “Thanks!” Beth said through the door.
    Beth came out. Another girl came over to take the things she didn’t want. Beth handed her everything.
    “What are you getting?” I said.
    “I don’t think anything,” said Beth.
    “What? Why not?”
    She shrugged. “I don’t know, I just don’t want to get anything.”
    “Okay,” I said. On the way out I smiled at the elf. Beth rolled her eyes and said it was lame how I hit on her by asking about the chair.
    “I wasn’t hitting on her,” I said.
    “Oh please, Jason. I would recognize your lame moves through a brick wall.”
    “I swear. I didn’t even see that she was hot until after I said the thing about the chair.”
    “Whatever,” said Beth.
    “Where do you want to go next?” I said.
    “I think I’m fucking getting my period,” she said. “I need a cupcake or something.”
    We went to a gourmet store where I once accidentally got a cup of yogurt and granola for eleven dollars before an interview.
    “I think I want a cookie,” I said.
    “Me too,” she said.
    We decided to split one peanut butter and one ginger. After we paid we stood at the counter eating them. The peanut butter cookie was crunchy.
    “Damn,” I said. “It looked like it was going to be soft.”
    Beth took a bite of hers and chewed carefully. “It’s probably old.”
    “What? Why would it be old?”
    “Because it’s crunchy.”
    “Crunchy cookies can be not old,” I said.
    “I don’t think so,” said Beth. “No.”
    •   •   •
    Next we went to some special store that only had one kind of perfume. Beth’s friend ordered a sample and it never came, so Beth wanted to get it for her.
    The girl handed Beth a tiny vial, and Beth said, “It’s fifteen dollars, right?”
    “Wait, what?” I