Assisted Living: A Novel Read Online Free PDF Page A

walkingstick … Torsten wants his headstone to read: “Thanks for nothing” …
    Torsten was laying on his stomach on the tiles. Grandpa grabbed his head and twisted it so hard his neck broke.
    —Look at me when I’m talking about you!
    Then he turned to Larri.
    —Dowser Larri Isokyrpä was finally allowed to peterout after a long and weary struggle with that terminalillness we call life … Larri was squeezed out of his Grandma’s womb under an uprootedtree in Myskträsk … He was the first in a long line of stillbornsiblings and he learned selfsufficiency early on … A procession of oddjobs and shortgigs passed him by … He was a THX-doctor, a Quaker, a rathawker, a puppywhipper, a snowman’s trunk … He married Ms. Glädis Noppa … and later on the nationally celebrated onanist Hardy Honkala from Gråliden … Frau Hardy kicked it at fifty-three … Life was often like a Rubik’s cube … Nonetheless, this remarkable man somehow found the strength to teach himself dipsomania! His vocabulary swelled to the tripledigits, he discovered words had more than four letters, then came his big, fat chance: a temp job as an outhouse asswiper in Råslyet, a kilometer and a half south of Västbäck … Larri worked hard at his many highly desirable jobs until his body finally failed him … he devoted his last seventeen years to outliving his children … He was a lifetime Jagoda’s Witness … His interests were many, but to name a few: stroke, pogroms, the lambethwalk, kiddie’s diddles, Siberianroulette and Hylands hörna  … As a society member, he was unparalleled … his courses in bedwetting and gangrape were especially popular … The burial will take place under chaotic conditions … Donations can be made to the Dirty Geezer Fund …
    Grandpa grabbed me by the neck and cackled Grandpalike at his own creativity.
    —You know what we’re going to do now, child of mine?
    —O no!
    —First I’m going to take a long, hot manbath … And you’re going to make me coffee. Then we’re going to go outside and get a little fresh air. Why don’t you take out the Iron Crown of Lombardy and my Ripper suit … Methinks I want to look nice today …
    __________
    Ein Heldenleben —“A Hero’s Life,” tone poem by Richard Strauss motyl —expiremental mixture of petrol and alcohol used to power Swedish military vehicles during World War II
    Tellemar —Hasse, Swedish radio host of the show Ringså spelar vi (Call us, and we’ll play your tune) from 1969–1988.
    Siikavaara Bible —The Siikavaara sect, or Korpela movement, was started by Toivo Korpela in the 1920s
    THX-doctor —THX, or thymus extract, was a natural remedy developed by the Swedish veterinarian Elix Sandberg; he claimed that THX could help with immune disorders and could even fight cancer
    Hylands hörna —“Hylands Corner,” a popular Swedish TV program that ran from 1962–1983
    Iron Crown of Lombardy —crown worn by Lombard rulers
    Ripper suit —hunting clothes

IV
    —“Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses” … Ho there, boy, Grandpa winked bawdily and dunked a sweetroll in his ginger-beer. Looks like we need to hop down to Egypt to troll for some real cock. Around here there’s hardly enough to live on.
    The old Grandpaclock rumblewaggled eight.
    —Ezekiel’s lips were uncircumcised. His mamma worked at Goethe’s Pipe and Peg in Jörn. She was a godpardoned, slipperycunt who’d howl so you could hear it over all of Kvarken when she got some deaddrunkcock stuck up in her rosette … Ezekiel and I were the same age, but he only smoked filtered. In my wildest dreams, I never thought he’d end up in the Good Old Shilly-Shally Book.
    Grandpa threw his Bible aside, lit an Alte Reiter, and opened the