Arrest-Proof Yourself Read Online Free PDF Page A

rosy fingers I deal with stay busy lifting wallets, easing stereos through windows, or sliding Slim Jims around car door locks. Occasionally I get an artistic type whose rosy fingers can forge a check as pretty as you please.
     
    Another purpose is to communicate the weird humor that pervades criminal justice. Cops, lawyers, and judges witness feats of stupidity that just never happen out in prudent, law-abiding America. Sometimes guys who get arrested leave you speechless with amazement.
    Lastly, most authors of how-to and self-improvement books adopt a tone of insufferable moral superiority as they instruct you on your diet, your exercise, your psyche, and your destiny. I have no desire to be a sage. I just want to keep you out of jail, then have a good meal, make love to my wife, take care of my kids, and maybe find a zoot suit and more ’gators 2 on eBay.
    Scattered here and there in the book are scenarios. These are fictional narratives often based on real cases. They demonstrate how the factors discussed in the book come together during an arrest. Most importantly, they illustrate how easy it is for ordinary people to get busted.

AIDS TO LEARNING
     
    Part IV, at the end of the book, is a section that includes the golden rules for staying out of jail and the magic words that keep you free. I suggest you repeat these many times. Just shout them out. Who cares what the neighbors think? Saying things aloud greatly assists memory. Recalling these pages in an emergency will go a long way to maintain your freedom.

POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS
     
    There are things in this book that will make people crazy. I define the major condition that makes you likely to get arrested as cluelessness. This is behavioral rather than racial or ethnic. The more clueless you are, the more available you are to be arrested—regardless of color, education, and money. Don’t believe this? In a later chapter, I’ll discuss South Beach, a place where rich, successful, mostly white people suddenly get clueless and get busted right and left.
    There is lingering racism among police and in the courts. Remedies for gross injustices, however, require years of work, litigation, and legislation. You, however, right now, this very day, can make yourself less clueless and less likely to get arrested and jailed by reading this book. Racism is a problem for society. Cluelessness is a problem for you. It’s something you can control.
    Here are warning signs of cluelessness.
You are a little wild and thoughtless or easily influenced.
You think the criminal justice system is like what you see on TV.
You like black gangsta, Latino gangbanger, or white trash music, clothing, attitudes, and styles.
You cannot distinguish gangsta style from the sordidness of criminal life.
You enjoy getting stoned and drunk and think that’s no big deal.
You argue with and beat your family, friends, and sexual partners.
You carry marijuana on your person and in cars.
     
     
    The criminal justice sausage grinder continually reprocesses clueless petty offenders through the system. Upon release, generally on probation, they continually commit new minor offenses or administrative crimes that get them more time than their original offense.

     

HEADLINE FROM PLANET EARTH
     
    The criminal justice system is not “as seen on TV” in one crucial aspect—money. On TV, every defendant gets a great (and usually great-looking) attorney who works day and night on the case. TV lawyers work miracles. They persuade judges to free the accused with astoundingly clever arguments and never-before-contemplated motions.
    On TV nobody ever discusses who pays for all this. In real life, public defenders are overworked and undercompensated. Except in capital cases, a public defender generally can give you only a perfunctory defense. If you want to fight charges with a top-flight attorney, expect to pay heavy bucks—five- and six-figure bucks—to beat the rap. It’s far more economical not to get