Around the World With Auntie Mame Read Online Free PDF Page A

again.
    â€œOf course I’m not entirely
certain
about the French verb meaning ‘to sue,’ but I got the general idea that the Folies management had some sort of stringent legal action in mind.”
    â€œYou’re God-damned right they have,” Vera moaned. “I should never have left the Shuberts in the first place. Now I suppose I’ll spend my declining years in the old actors’ home.”
    â€œCouldn’t you complain to Actor’s Equity?” I asked.
    â€œThey don’t cut any ice over here,” Vera said.
    â€œIce!” I suggested. “With enough cold compresses your face might . . .”
    â€œNo good,” Vera sighed. “I’ve had my jaw embedded in ice like a shrimp cocktail all day. Only makes it swell more. I look like the Swedish Angel and still those bastards insist that I sign in tonight and go on or . . .” Vera paused, sipped again at her brandy, and gave Auntie Mame a long, searching look.
    â€œWh-what is it, Vera?” Auntie Mame said, gulping at her drink.
    â€œI . . .
think
. . . I . . . might . . .
just
. . . have . . . an . . .
idea
. . . .”
    â€œOh no you don’t, Vera Charles!” Auntie Mame said, polishing off the drink and thrusting the empty glass at me.
    â€œWhy couldn’t
I
go to the theater tonight, with you as my maid . . .”
    â€œNo, Vera! No! Not in a million years. Not for a million dollars. Not . . .”
    â€œ
I
could wear this hat and the veil and sign the book, Mame, and
you
could . . .”
    â€œOut of the question!” Auntie Mame said, snatching the newly refilled glass from me. “We don’t look at
all
alike. I couldn’t possibly . . .”
    â€œYou’ve always wanted to be on the stage, Mame,” Vera said hypnotically.
    â€œN-not any more, I don’t, Vera. It’s absolutely out of the . . .”
    â€œAnd as for looking like me, Mame de-ah, that isn’t important. We’re the same size and you play the whole thing in powdered wig and a mask. . . .”
    â€œNot this chicken, Vera. Not on your tintype. I wouldn’t dream of . . .”
    â€œYou see, dulling, the Empress Catherine is at a masked ball in the Winter Palace and she meets this young officer (actually some French faggot who couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag) who falls in love with her, not knowing that she’s the Empress of all the Russians. . . .”
    â€œThe Russians can have it, Vera Charles. I’ve said no. No. No.
No!
”
    â€œAnd the young officer has this huge affair with her. . . .”
    â€œRight on the
stage
? Vera, I’d never consider such a . . .”
    â€œCertainly not, Mame. That is
implied
. And the costumes are divine. You get to wear this magnificent sable coat that cost . . .”
    â€œI
have
a sable coat, thank you,” Auntie Mame said. “It’s in storage. No, Vera, I’m sorry, but I . . .”
    â€œFix your aunt another drink, Patrick,” Vera said. “Haven’t you any family feeling? And speaking of feeling, Mame, I should think that after you and I have been through thick and thin together for twenty years you would at least have the loyalty and consideration to come to the aid of your oldest, truest chum when she faces ruin—yais, rrrrrru-een—a ghastly lawsuit, a penniless old age, and a stretch in the Bastille. . . .”
    â€œOh, Vera . . .”
    â€œI always said, ‘Loyalty is Mame’s middle name,’ but I can see now how wrong I was.”
    â€œVera,” Auntie Mame said reasonably, “don’t you understand that the whole thing is impossible? I’d do anything to help you, but I don’t even know the lines. I’ve never seen the script. I . . .”
    â€œLines? Faugh!” Vera said. “Your French is
much
better than mine.”
    That was true. Auntie Mame could just get through a dinner menu, whereas Vera could barely order