An Absence of Principal Read Online Free PDF Page B

behavior — leaving the house so often, inattention, failing to pay the phone bill (not to mention the gambling and affair she knew nothing about — yet) brought on the change he noticed.
    But back to thinking about himself. Doggett really didn’t have time just now to worry about his wife’s change of attitude. Despite his desperate actions from the night before, he tried to convince himself everything would be OK, just as he had tried to do on all those other occasions when he’d had extramarital relations with his secretary, or when he dropped a boatload of college money at an online casino.
    He convinced himself that by taking the action he took the day before and by pocketing all but a thousand dollars that Cootie had given him for the sale of the cocaine instead of paying that worthless low life in Odessa — he would be completely debt free with some serious large to spare. And Doggett felt for sure that once he had the ability to set aside his financial woes, everything else in his life would look up. Even though he felt he had made the right decision, he did not count on the overwhelming feeling of guilt that greeted him with the sunrise that morning.
    He looked at his watch.
    “I’ve gotta run out,” Doggett told Angela again.
    “Oh, dear Jesus,” Angela said, her patience wearing thin again.
    “Just a quick errand down to the church. I’ll be back inside of thirty minutes.”
    Doggett knew she had heard that line far more times than any wife should.
    “When you’re out, stop by and get you some pills or something to make all these trips of yours go away,” she said. Doggett could tell by her comment that she had grown especially tired of him. In the months and years past, Angela would never dream of letting him go out while he was feeling so bad. Today, she just told him to get his own medicine. They had already become distant toward one another and she hadn’t even found out about his really big lies yet. She didn’t even know about Ben’s loss of self-respect and decency and everything that came with it, a character trait that had developed almost entirely in the three months since he had been honored by his peers, which seemed like such a long time ago.
    Doggett made his way to Our Lady of Hope, the Catholic Church he and Angela had been a part of for over twenty years, since first moving to Midland.
    It was eleven o’clock. Ben Doggett had never actually been to confession unless it was during Lent or Advent, but he had memorized the church’s confession times when he sat in Mass staring at his bulletin while pretending to listen to one of father’s boring homilies. Ben found them all to be drab, even though most everyone else was crazy about Father Marcus and the lessons he imparted. He was unfailingly polite and attentive to the needs of his parishioners at Our Lady of Hope. Some Sundays Ben memorized multiple bulletin pages when there was time, when father’s longer and more boring sermons permitted. As a result of his repeated study, he knew confessions were at eleven on Saturday mornings.
    “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned,” Ben began as he stepped into the confessional.
    “How long since your last confession, my friend?” Fr. Marcus asked.
    There was a long pause. Nothing from Ben.
    “Has it been awhile?” Father Marcus asked.
    “Three or four years, I guess. Back when I used to believe it all meant something,” Ben said.
    “What do you mean?”
    “I just … I don’t know, father. I’ve lost faith. Not just lost the faith, lost my faith, I guess. My faith in God, in mankind, in myself. In most anything and everything that matters. Too many bad choices on my part.”
    “Such as?” Fr. Marcus asked.
    “I’ve cheated on my wife with my secretary. I’ve gambled away a lot of my family’s savings. I’m an inattentive father and husband. And last night I think I hurt — .”
    “Go on …” Fr. Marcus asked.
    He remained silent.
    Ben remembered he hadn’t