America's Dumbest Criminals Read Online Free PDF Page B

missing—but it was a significant one. An entire houseful of new wall-to-wall carpet had been taken up and stolen.
    The officers on the scene were as perplexed as the burglary victims. They really had no idea how to track a hot carpet. Scratching their heads, they headed outside into the newly fallen snow to look around.
    But wait! What’s this? In the yard, footprints showed on either side of a long, scraped trail leading out toward a nearby field. Either the carpet had been dragged in that direction, or a brontosaurus had just strolled by.
    The officers followed the trail across the yard, through the field, and into another yard, where the trail ended at a neighbor’s front door.
    When the police entered the small home behind a larger main house, they found not a brontosaurus, but the stolen carpet on the floor—recut and laid to fit its new home. The young man who lived there insisted that he had purchased the rug, but the police showed him his own trail from the “carpet store.” He was arrested and charged with the crime.

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    Don’t Try It Again, Sam
    I n Thibodaux, Louisiana, a blundering, wannabe robber with speech difficulties just couldn’t win for losing. Sam Lincoln entered Bob’s Cafe and, speaking in his thick, backwoods Cajun accent, ordered the waitress to “give me all the money.”
    Unfortunately, she couldn’t understand a word he said. To her it sounded like he was ordering “a sieve with all the honey.”
    In desperation, Sam turned to a patron and told him to hand over all his money. The diner could have sworn that Sam said to “live a big pile of bunny.”
    When the patron couldn’t understand him either, Sam got so frustrated that he pulled out his gun. Now they would hear the unmistakable voice of his thirty-eight.
    Sam pulled the trigger.
    Click.
    The gun wouldn’t fire.
    Now Sam grabbed the cash register and began to run. But he didn’t get far—only about three feet. The register was still firmly plugged into the wall, and he quickly ran out of cord.
    The register was jerked out of Sam’s hands, and he fell. Humiliated and frustrated, he ran out of Bob’s Cafe empty-handed. Waitresses and patrons breathed a sigh of relief. Someone hefted the register back up to its place on the counter.
    But five minutes later, Sam was back. This time, he made sure he unplugged the register before making off with it. Sam was ecstatic—for about three feet. A bystander who had witnessed the whole comedy of errors knocked Sam down and made a citizen’s arrest.

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    Bound for the Cooler
    O ne bright spring morning in Lafayette, Louisiana, Louis Albright had the bright idea of robbing a branch of a local bank. Louis had an even more brilliant idea for a low-cost, low-fat, completely disposable disguise. He would cover his entire head with whipped cream.
    A few trial runs indicated his idea would work beautifully. The foamy “mask” sprayed on quickly and was easily wiped off. It completely covered any distinguishing marks, even his hair color. And it tasted wonderful, to boot.
    Congratulating himself on his innovative idea, the human hot-fudge sundae walked into the bank and approached the teller. Unfortunately, the employees’ response to his delicious disguise was just the opposite of what he wanted. The giggles were discreet at first, but when he said, “Put all your money in the sack,” the giggles dissolved into open laughter.
    By this time the whipped cream was getting warm and beginning to slide. And the teller had long ago punched the silent alarm. Before you could say “banana split,” the police arrived. The rapidly melting bank robber was quickly arrested and refrigerated downtown.

    By this time the whipped cream was getting warm and beginning to slide. And the teller had long ago punched the silent alarm.

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    A Really Big Bust
    A t first, the customs officer thought the drug-sniffing dog